NaNoWriMo: A Reflection

So today, November 30^th, is the last day of National Novel Writing Month, otherwise known as NaNoWriMo, otherwise known as November.  I first heard of NaNoWriMo in early 2011, and tried my hand at it last November.  I ended up opening a word document on November 1^st, typing the sentence “I am writing a fucking novel.” And then did nothing else for the rest of the month.  So really, almost anything would have been an improvement on last year’s performance.

In fact, all in all this month, I have written 33,246 words.  It’s not the generally accepted NaNoWriMo goal of 50,000 words, but it is still sooooo much better than I ever thought I would do.  I mean, it’s 64 pages.  I have never written 64 pages of any one document, ever.  The closest I’ve ever come was 43 pages of a YA novel for my Young Adult Fiction class in college, and I was impressed with myself for that.

NaNoWriMo kind of crept up on me this year.  I only remembered it on like the last day or so of October, when I got a reminder email from the NaNoWriMo website, and thought, shit.  I had intended to do some more preparation beforehand, mapping out some story ideas and whatnot, but I obviously hadn’t done that, so I’d just have to dive right in.

My first year, I intended to adhere strictly to NaNoWriMo’s official rules: Write all one story, in order, no skipping around, no revisions.  I think the pressure of sticking to the rules overwhelmed me and stopped me in my tracks.  This year my goal was less specific: just write.  Write every day, if possibly, but at the very least write a lot.  Write as much as you can.  Write anything.  Just vomit words onto the page.  Even if they don’t make sense.  So that’s what I did.  I had some different story ideas, and wrote out some different scenes and short stories and analyses and anecdotes and dialogues, etc.  I even included some blog posts and super-long emails, for good measure.  Because writing is writing, dude.  And I didn’t want to put myself in the position of choosing between writing a blog post and keeping in touch with my friends, or writing crap just to write.  So I counted that writing towards my total word count.  Because I do what I want.

It was also freeing to just write without worrying about it being perfect.  I wrote entire scenes that were just dialogue, without worrying about inserting the annoying, “She said, wearily.” and all that nonsense.  I changed pronouns and tenses midway through a story.  I changed character names (which I have, admittedly, been known to do in the past, and then forget to go back and change it, causing much confusion for teachers/professors grading my papers.) and other general details.

So how do I feel now, at the end of the month?  I feel good, I feel accomplished.  I wrote a shit-ton of words.  I proved to myself that I can write, whether I feel like it or not, whether I’m in the mood or not, or whether my muses are speaking to me or not.  I also proved to myself that I am capable of just producing that amount of writing.  It seemed impossible, on November 1^st, to write anywhere near 50,000 words.  Just an impossible feat.  And yet, at 33k, I know that if I really applied myself, I could definitely do it.  Which is just bonkers to think about.  Writing at length has always been my problem.  I dream of writing the Next Great American Novel, and yet I am the Queen of short Stories.  But here I am, at 63 pages.

But I also learned some other things. I learned that although all the writers say that you have to write every day, whether you’re feeling inspired or not, the stuff I write when I’m feeling uninspired is, frankly, crap.  And it does not come easy.  When I’m in a writing muse, and feel inspired, I just keep writing and writing and before I know it I’m at 4000 words, and it seems like no time has passed, and I still have so much more to say.  Whereas when I have no inspiration, I check the word count every other sentence, and one paragraph can take me 2 hours.  Ugh.

But I have proven to myself that I can be a writer.  I can sit down at my desk, and plug away for a few hours each night, and create something.  Now that the month is over, and the late late nights and word counts are behind me, I hope to be able to continue to be creative on a regular basis.  To blog, to write short stories, maybe try at a novel, and continue some projects I have left unfinished.

I look forward to next year’s NaNoWriMo.  My goal for that will be to stick to one single story, but that will require some more forethought on my part.  We’ll see.  I hope to be in a different mind space and different physical space this time next year, so hopefully all of that will be more conducive to writing.  We shall see.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me this month, and listening to my boring writing talk, and my word counts, and dealing with my daily tweet updates.  When I write my first best-selling novel, I will be sure to dedicate it to each and every one of you.  Specifically.

Thankful

So, this time of year, especially today, people like to make a big show of sharing what they're thankful for.  It gets annoying, because it ends up (if you're bitter and cynical like me), reading like a list of accomplishments. Like bragging.  "Oh my god, I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband and my new house and my beautiful new baby and my great job etc etc etc."  Eff you, Facebook acquaintance.

The last few years, (what with the bitterness and cynicism), I have had a hard time coming up with things to be thankful for.  My friends and family, of course, are wonderful.  And I have...all my limbs?  I guess I'm grateful for that.  I have made it through my whole life without coming in contact with poison ivy.  That's a win.  But there are a lot of things that I am not pleased with, in general, in my life.  You know, #firstworldproblems, and all that.  But a lot of things that other people are thankful for, I do not have, and therefore cannot be thankful for them.

But I realize there is something I am thankful for.  And it's sort of an unusual, joking-but-actually-serious thing.

I am thankful for pop culture.

I am not kidding.  I mean this seriously.  And not in a simple, "Oh I enjoy this movie/tv show/book" kind of way.  As you well know, as a reader of this blog and most likely someone who has...ever met me, I am pretty obsessive about different pop culture.  I don't know how to just like something.  I have to dive into it, and absorb every bit of it, and become obsessed with it, and learn everything about it, and contemplate it, and discuss it, and philosophize about it.

I have been this way for, probably forever, but the first really serious obsession I can remember was NSYNC.  And there have been many since then.  To name a few: Harry Potter, Lost, SVU, Legally Blonde: The Musical, Twilight, Criminal Minds, Celtic Thunder, Cracked, American Horror Story, High School Musical, Sherlock, CSI: Miami, Doctor Who, The Hunger Games.  And that's only the tip of the iceberg.  There have been SO MANY more.  With varying degrees of embarrassment.

Sometimes I can see these things coming, and sometimes they catch me by surprise.  There are certain books I hold off reading, or TV series I hold off watching on Netflix, because I know they will take over my entire life, and I need to focus on other things at the moment/am in the midst of another obsession already.  But sometimes a new show will premiere, and I fall in love with it immediately.  Or I'll go see a movie and it will blow my mind.  Or I'll catch a rerun of some show randomly while channel surfing.  And the rest is history.  I don't watch any movie or tv show without immediately IMDb-ing it afterward, sometimes in the car on the way home.  I will watch and rewatch, visit fansites, devour interviews and clips on youtube, learn all about every person involved with it, read fanfiction about it, philosophize about coming episodes, etc.

And the thing is, I LOVE these obsessions.  I am lost without them.  When I reach the point where my interest in something fades from daily obsession to just general interest and like, I hate it.  I feel lost, and unmoored, and restless, and find myself knowingly (or unknowingly) searching for my next obsession, the next mode of filling my days with joy.

I realized, somewhere along the way, that these obsessions are important to me for more than just basic, surface reasons.  I am the worst kind of basement-dwelling nerd, in that I live my life vicariously through others.  This has long been a problem of mine in the real world: getting wrapped up in friends' drama and crushes and whatnot, while having no personal stake in the matter whatsoever.  It's not that I'm nosy, it's just that I desperately want to be involved, and to experience those things for myself.  I have not had much success in several important areas of my life, and find myself to be, in many ways, emotionally stunted.  I have yet to, and there's a great possibility I will never, experience many of the joys and sorrows and adventures and experiences that form most people's lives.  It is mind-numbing to go through life every day feeling nothing, and experiencing nothing, and not ever changing.  So I tend to latch on to other people's experiences.  Pretend they're my own.  Pretend I can relate.

If I focused to much on the dull dreariness of my own life, I would quite literally go crazy.  So I've found it necessary to escape.  To latch on to other people's experiences, even if those people and experiences are fictional.  I escape into a book, or a movie, or episodes of a TV show.  And it has changed my life for the better.  I feel like I've fallen in and out of love many times over, traveled the world, solved crimes, met new and exciting people, gone on adventures, sang and danced, all without leaving the comfort of my own home. I haven't.  I'm aware.  I'm not that crazy.  I know I haven't done any of these things.  But like an alien studying the human race, I feel like I can almost imagine what such things must be like.

My obsessions first started back in high school, when I realized my life wasn't exactly following the same course as everyone else's.  While I was happy and social and everything, it seemed like I was always there, but never involved.  Which has pretty much become the story of my life.  I sit back and watch as everyone else falls in and out of love, and becomes successful, and does exciting things, and before I know it, years have passed, and I have done nothing.  I have been on the sidelines the whole time, and I didn't even realize it.  And when I actually take the time to think about it, and stop the daily distractions and focus on what I have and have not done, and where I'm at in my life, it is awful.  Because without the people around me, I am nothing.  I have nothing to show for myself.  It's like staring into an empty void.

And so, I fill that void with things.  Oftentimes fictional things.  These people and places and things I have grown to love, though I have never actually met them, or experienced them, or whatnot, because they do not actually exist.  It's like I'm ticking boxing on the life experience chart, and I am very nearly able to convince myself that these are my own life experiences, and that if I am able to spout pop culture stories and anecdotes on command, it will almost be like those stories belong to me, and actually happened to me.

And I am grateful for that.  Because if I had none of that, none of those places to escape to, I would be absolutely lost.  I would be miserable.  But I am not.  I am able to get through the day if I know I can come home and watch an episode or five of Doctor Who before I go to bed.

Anyway, this turned into more of a depressing feelings rant than I really intended it to.  Shocking.  But it wasn't meant to be like that.  It was meant as a genuine expression of thankfulness for all of the wonderful creative people that have created these worlds and people that have gotten me through my days.

Hopefully, I won't always be like this.  Hopefully, someday I will find a real live person to obsess over, who is just as obsessed with me as I am with him.  And he will whisk me away on wondrous adventures of our very own.  But until then, I've got this.  And this will do.

Unsolicited Movie Review: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Holy Crap.  Guys.  This movie.

Was not terrible.

Not only was it not terrible….it was AMAZING.  Well, I don’t know about amazing.  It wasn't amazing.  But it was very good.  By Twilight standards (which are very low), it was AMAZING.  By far the best of the bunch.

Now, this is the part where I tell you that if you have not yet seen the movie, and intend to, stop right where you are and read no further.  I know, I know, you've read the book, but there are actually some spoilers.  Like, big ones.  Spoilers that will actually spoil the best part of the movie for you.  You can come back and read this later.  Because I know my opinion is important to you.

This is also the part where if you have no interest in Twilight you should also stop reading.  But you probably already have.

Alright, so.  For those of you that have read Breaking Dawn, particularly the second half of the book, I think we can all agree that it’s terrible.  Just so bad.  When I heard that they were splitting Breaking Dawn into two movies (TOTAL Deathly Hallows rip-off) I was equal parts enraged and amused.  Enraged because of the aforementioned Deathly Hallows rip-off, and amused because the second half of the book would make for such a terrible movie.  TERRIBLE.

As a refresher, here’s a quick summary of the second half of the Breaking Dawn book: Bella’s vampire training, non-stop vampire boning, Renesmee is a creepily perfect talking half-breed baby, Jacob is in love with said baby, everyone’s anticipating a big deadly brawl with the Volturi, Edward calls Jacob SON, and then nothing happens.  No battle.  Then the story ends and you’re like….abuh?

So obviously, this is the makings for the most terrible and anticlimactic movie ever, right?

I have been both dreading and anticipating it for months now.  I knew it would be terrible, and some of it would just be so ridiculous that I would be forced to rip my seat from the theater floor in a feat of super-human rage and throw it through the screen.  But I also knew that it would be just ridiculous enough to be hilarious.  During Breaking Dawn Part 1, Gretchen had to elbow me numerous times for laughing loudly during inappropriate parts because it was just so bad.  And with the ridiculousness turned up to 11 this time around, I knew that I would probably have lapsed into laughter seizures by the end of the film.

Well, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when the movie was actually GREAT.  I mean, I did laugh at a few inappropriate parts, but it was more so a case of me thinking the wrong things are funny, all the time, and also, I began to feel cheated out of a good laughing and mocking experience as the movie was turning out to actually be good.

I mean, for the most part, I don’t remember very much of the movie before the crucial HOLY CRAP part that I will get to momentarily.  Here’s what I did have thoughts on:

1)  Baby Renesmee was terrifying.  Going into the film, I had only seen previews featuring a full-grown Mackenzie Foy (the girl who plays Renesmee), and she’s…what….7?  8?  (She was 11.  I looked it up.  I have no concept of age when it comes to children.) Anyway, because I had only seen clips of her at her normal actual human size, I assumed this meant Renesmee would just pop out at that age and they wouldn’t show her rapid aging process, which I thought would be a mistake.  But instead, they made a terrifying baby child robot monster.  The moment the CGI baby creation appeared on screen, I peed my pants a little bit in sheer terror, while all the preteens in the theater around me were cooing, “Oh, she’s so adorable!”  What?!  Are you not seeing the same baby monster as me?  Do you not know what real babies are supposed to look like?  It wasn’t really that bad, I guess (maybe).  It didn’t have one eye and an extra arm growing out of its face, or anything like that.  As a matter of fact, she looked perfect.  But perfect in that CGI kind of way.  I guess it was just creepy because you don’t often see CGI babies, so it looked unnatural.  But there’s supposed to be something unnatural about Renesmee anyway (vampire baby) so it worked.  But it was still creepy in all stages of development except for when she was her actual age.

2) I liked the scene where Bella yelled at Jacob for imprinting on Renesmee.  Maybe because I just cherish  any and all Bella and Jacob interaction because I am Team Jacob 4evs.  I know, I know, that horse has already left the barn.  You made the wrong choice, Bella.  That’s all I’m saying.  You made the wrong choice.  With Jacob you would’ve had adorable babies that didn’t tear their way out of you and ruin your life.  Just sayin.

3) The scene where Jacob reveals his werewolfiness to Charlie was ridiculously hilarious.  Hilariously ridiculous.  All of the above.  First of all, it was this film’s Gratuitous Taylor Lautner Shirtless Scene.  A final farewell to The Abs, I suppose.  I shall miss them so.  Anyway, Jacob basically did a sexy striptease for a very uncomfortable Charlie and then just as the two men were about to reach a whole new level of closeness, Jacob wolfed out and Charlie’s mustache almost fell off in surprise.  I feel the scene was well acted by both Taylor and Billy Burke.  I will miss Billy as Charlie.  He is hands down my favorite character of all the movies.  And I shall miss The Abs as well.  Farewell, Abs.  You had a good run.

4) I went into this film thinking I knew exactly how many studs to anticipate, but I was WRONG.  Two of my past favorite loves returned as nomadic vampire friends of Carlisle’s, and boy was I ever happy to see them, and would allow them to drink all of my delicious blood any time they’d like.

a.       Joe Anderson.  Remember Max from Across The Universe?  The scruffy Kurt Cobain adorable boy that wants you, he wants you so bad? Yeah.  Him.  He played Alistair, a dark and mysterious nomadic vampire with a bad attitude.  He was kind of weird, because it’s kind of a weird character, and I wish there had been more of him, but he did flee hilariously to the Cullens’ attic at one point.

MAX!

Alistair.  You'll just have to trust me on this one.

b.      Lee Pace.  Oh my god, my love.  I first fell in love with Lee as Ned, The Piemaker from the far-too-short-lived Pushing Daisies.  Adorable.  And he played Garrett, another nomadic vampire, and oh my dear sweet baby Jesus was he ever a giant flaming ball of hotness.  Possibly my favorite part of the movie.  Maybe.  It’s just such a treat being surprised by an old hot friend.  And I think The Powers That Be must have loved him as well, because they gave him a lot of good/funny parts that weren’t necessarily in the book. 

Ned!  Oh how I miss you.

"I'll follow you anywhere, woman." -actual quote.  Sigh.  I love misogyny.

Neither movie picture really does them justice, because they look like stupid vampires, but in the movie…..ugh.  Trust me.

5) This movie was a lot more sexual than the last, I thought.  Which was surprising, considering the headboard-breaking scene in the beginning of Breaking Dawn is what heled many a preteen girl through puberty.  The book leaves almost all to the imagination, but much of America was hoping the movie would be straight-up porn.  It wasn’t.  It wasn’t nearly as risqué as I thought it would be.  But in this movie, Edward and Bella are having their first vampire-on-vampire sex, and Bella’s mind is basically being blown as a result of her super-human vampire senses making vampire sex way better than boring old human sex, blah blah blah.  Anyway, this was more of an actual sex scene than in Breaking Dawn Pt. 1.  Interesting.

Alright, so all that happened, and then we get to the Just Plain Terrible part of the movie, The Most Anticlimactic Battle of All Time.  So just like in the book, all this tension is building, and you think everyone’s going to die, all hope is lost, blah blah blah.  Team Cullen and Team Volturi come face to face in the Abandoned Meadow Where All The Action Happens.  The Cullens are all “Blah blah blah Renesmee may have a stupid name but she’s not an uncontrollable people-killing monster”, and the Volturi are all, “Yeah ok but you guys are a bunch of jerks and I still don’t like you.”  Then Alice and Jasper show up to save the day.  Aro welcomes his creepy crush Alice, and takes her hand to do his mind-reading thing.  Alice can see the future, (situationally, her visions change as people change their minds), and she can tell that Aro still intends to pick a fight with Team Cullen.  Then, in a change of pace from the novel, the Volturi…do something to Alice, I don’t remember.  They attack her or punch her or pick her nose...something threatening.  So, okay, I figured they’d have to beef up this movie with a little bit of action since the book has none.  So, that’s fine.  Then Big Papa Carlisle is like “Nuh-uh!”, and charges Aro, and they fly up into the air for a little high altitude vampire spat.  They both thud back on the ground and Aro holds up Carlisle’s decapitated head and-

WHAT?!  WHAT THE…WHAT?!  DID THEY JUST KILL CARLISLE?!  THIS DID NOT AT ALL HAPPEN IN THE BOOK!

So, okay, I think, they have definitely parted ways with the book now.  But, you know they had to make the movie less terrible.  I’m surprised they would choose to kill off a main character against canon, but maybe this is punishment for Peter Facinelli’s terrible and unnecessary accent.  Maybe Jennie Garth wrote the script?  Who knows?

Carlisle’s death makes Team Cullen crazy with rage and revenge, so they charge at Team Volturi, and shit goes down.  Everyone’s fighting everyone.  Vampires fighting other vampires.  Vampires fighting werewolves (Who are on Team Cullen as well. Team Edward and Team Jacob were able to put aside their differences and come together to battle the Volturi.  If only the fangirls could do the same.)  So fighting is happening and then WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY JUST KILL JASPER?! It’s understandable, Jackson Rathbone’s accent was also terrible. OH MY GOD SETH CLEARWATER!  PRECIOUS BABY WEREWOLF!  AND THEN LEAH?!  HAVEN’T THE CLEARWATERS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY?!  So much fighting!  But Team Cullen is killing a lot of bad guys.  Edward uses Bella as a human (vampire) baseball bat.  See ya Mean Mean Dakota Fanning: Team Cullen just ripped your pretty blonde head off.  Oh, and then Aro.  Killed Aro.  Yay we win!

Oh….wait….no…..JUST KIDDING!  PSYCH!  Everyone’s alive! (Except for Irina.  Sorry Irina. But she was terrible as Shannon on Lost soooo…)  None of that actually happened!  It was just Alice showing Aro what would happen if he didn’t back off.  Needless to say, he backs off, and the Volturi run away.

But not before everyone in the audience has shit their pants because WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!  Did that whole badass decapitation-rific battle just happen and then NOT HAPPEN?!  HAVE WE ALL BEEN PUNK’D?!  GREATEST PUNK EVER!

So, anyway, then the rest of the movie happens, and since you’re still riding the HOLY SHIT WHAT DID I JUST SEE wave, everything that happens is great.  Or maybe it really was great, I’m not sure.  I don’t know what to feel anymore.  But I thought the part where Bella finally used her shield to let Edward read her mind was sweet and well done.  I really believed they were in love until I remembered that she cheated on him with another guy.  Sadpants.

In what I thought was a nice touch, the very last shot in the movie cut to a shot of the last page of the book, and the last line, “And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.”  I really liked that.  A nice acknowledgement of how this whole craze began (reading.)

In another interesting touch, the closing credits started not in a credits roll sort of way, but by showing a clip of each character with the actor’s on the screen.  So Kristen, Rob, Taylor, etc. etc. etc.  Then we get to Taylor’s werewolf friends, and I was like, Why are they in the credits, they were never not wolfy in this movie?  Weird, but ok. Then they show James, Victoria, and Laurent, from the first movie.  And then they showed EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN IN A TWILIGHT MOVIE!  I thought that was kind of cool.  A nice look back.  I almost wished they had done something like that with the last Harry Potter movie, except it would have been so long, and it basically would have been an In Memoriam reel, and I was already too emotional, I probably would have choked on my tears and died.

Breaking Dawn Part Dos.  A huge disappointment if you’re looking for unintentional laughs.  But actually a great end to the Twilight franchise.  Nice send-off.

So that’s that.  That’s my super long review.  I hope you enjoyed it!  Just kidding, I know you did.

Taking the F out of Funemployment

Unemployment has not been as bad as I thought it would be.  In part because I was absolutely miserable at my last job.  However, now that I am approaching one month of unemployment, I'm being hit with reminders of just how convenient it was being employed, even miserably.

1) Prescriptions.

I don't have any serious diseases that require life-saving medication.  However, I do have prescriptions that I refill every month, that make my life a lot easier.  Namely, allergy medicine, and several acne medications.  My acne is just horrendously ugly and painful and awful without it, but I can't very well afford what will probably amount to $250/month without insurance for acne medications.  It's been so nice for these last two years, actually feeling like a pretty adult, rather than a miserable acne-riddled teenager.  And as much as I like to think that my skin has outgrown it, I know it hasn't.  Unfortunately, I worry my pizza face will make me even less hireable than I already am.

2) Money.

The convenience of money is not a surprise to me.  However, mid-month it seems like I can do okay, and stretch out what I have, if I just don't shop or go to the movies or out to eat very much.  But then I reach the beginning of the month, when I have to pay my student loans, which takes a massive chunk out of my savings.  And my credit card bill, for which I am still paying off books I bought back in college.  Awesome.  And Christmas is coming up, and as much as my family would say I don't have to get them anything, I'm not going to be the 26 year old adult that can't afford Christmas gifts for her family.  Especially when there's only the four of us.

It's such a sad realization that everything in my life has become about money.  I can't even remember the last time I made a decision that wasn't about money.  And the saddest part is, I don't foresee a future for myself where this isn't a problem.  I did myself a great disservice by going to 2 expensive private schools, and choosing a major that is not useful in the working world.  And without the luxury of a spouse or even any kind of significant other, I am going to have to support myself for the rest of my life.  I don't get to follow my dreams, or do something I enjoy.  I have to find something, anything, that will make me money.  Anyone that will hire me.

There are two things that would solve 99.99999% of my problems right now:
1) Winning the lottery.
2) Finding something I want to do with my life.  So simple, and yet no luck in 26 years.

Blaaaaaaaaaaah.

5 Celebrities I Would Like To Force My Friendship Upon

1) Taylor Swift

T.Swift is what inspired this entire list.  I just finished reading her Rolling Stone cover story, and sheeee is just great.  Tell me you don't just want to be biffles with her.  She's awkward, she's nerdy, she's spiteful: she is literally every single thing I look for in a friend.



2) Emma Stone

Have you seen Easy A?  I know she's playing a character and everything, but I firmly believe it was a character based on Emma Stone. Eyyyyyyyye gotta pocket goddapockehfulla sunshine.  ALSO we would spend so many hours discussing every beautiful inch of Ryan Gosling's hot hot bod.



3) Anna Kendrick

Remember back when the first Twilight movie came out, and everyone was terrible, except for Bella's friend Jessica, who was HILARIOUS?!  Anna Kendrick.  Remember George Clooney's little scene-stealing Type-A breakdown friend in Up In The Air?  Anna Kendrick.  Remember when Beca from Pitch Perfect stole your heart with 3 simple words: "That's my dick."?  Anna Kendrick.  AND she's a nerd!  See also: her twitter feed.



4) Jennifer Lawrence

Guys.  Have you ever seen any single interview with her?  Or any photo?  There's nothing more to say.



5) Jennifer Garner

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Jennifer Garner is my spirit animal.  I fell in love with her, as we all did, in 13 Going On 30.  MATTY IT'S THRILLER!  And then SHE fell in love with my number one all time great great wonderful handsome love in this whole miserable world: Ben Affleck.  And now, as I've fantasized, I will sit next to her on a plane someday, and I will explain how much I love them and how they have the most adorable children in the world and if they have any wallpaper that needs removing or have a craving for mac n cheese shepherds pie, I would be happy to help. And then she would say, "Aww, you seem like a nice girl.  Here, have one of my husband's old t-shirts!"  Don't mind if I do.

Unsolicited Movie Review: Pitch Perfect

Guys, I saw Pitch Perfect today.  It was great.  I had heard only good things, and it certainly lived up to its reputation.  Is this spoiler-y review?  Maybe.  I mean, it's a comedy about a cappella groups, so it's not like there was a twist ending.  So, whatever.

Anyway, my main reason for seeing it was to see my spirit animal Rebel Wilson. I've decided I really wanted her to be my drunken alter-ego, but she's actually much funnier than me and I'm not very good with accents.

Also, I've got a little bit of a best friend girl crush on Anna Kendrick.  Ever since she stole the show in the first Twilight movie (along with the guy that played Mike Newton...has he done anything else?  Because I loved him.) and then charmed me in Up In The Air, I can't get enough of her.  I also follow her on Twitter, and her tweets are rare but quite amusing.

So the movie's not going to win any Academy Awards, the pacing was about as rushed as the Goblet of Fire movie (don't get me started), but the script was great and witty and the entire cast was wonderful.  The above listed ladies, as well as most of the other Bellas were so weird and wonderful.  Including the creepy quiet asian.

But then, the boys.  Of course I'm going to fall dangerously in love (Beyonce style) with boys in an a cappella singing movie.  Because, obviously.  FIRST AND FOREMOST: SKYLAR ASTIN.  Skylar Astin was Georg in the OBC of Spring Awakening.  I went through a pretty heavy Spring Awakening obsession phase back in college, and LOVED Skylar, he's amazing.  I was excited to see him in a small role in Hamlet 2, but IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when he showed up as the romantic male lead in Pitch Perfect.  Mainly because  in Spring Awakening he looked like this:

Hair...what.

And now he looks like this:

Oh hey there!

I haven't seen a transition that enjoyable since Hot!Neville exploded into my life last summer.

Ah, memories.

Ahem, sorry.

Anyway, Skylar.  So great.  And he just....is so adorable...and precious...and wears hoodies....and his character LOVES THE BREAKFAST CLUB.  There was so much Breakfast Club love in this movie, and so much important utilization of the iconic Judd Nelson fist pump that I was literally getting emotional because pop culture is a little too important to me.  I'm getting misty just thinking about it.  Ahem.

Anyway, aside from him, we have Adam DeVine, who played the douche-y leader of the Treblemakers, the boy's a cappella group and the Bellas' main rival.  He was hilarious, and great, and very Jack Black-y (which is a personal weakness of mine), but more importantly, I've decided I need to marry him in real life, because his last name is DeVine, and that's a fucking great last name.  And I will make everyone call me Loretta, because Loretta Devine is the fucking best, and I can pretend to be a sassy black woman if I want.

I do though.

And then.  To anyone who's seen the movie, and knows me at all, will not be at all surprised to find that I fell very deeply in love with Jesse's roommate Benji, who loves Star Wars and close-up magic.  Because of course I did.  He's basically my dream man, because I've come to the recent conclusion that there is just no man in this world that is nerdy enough to be my soulmate.  He wore a tshirt with a necktie screen-printed onto it to his a cappella audition, and that's very close to a tuxedo tshirt, which is my all-time number one male clothing turn-on, so, sold.  And at the end of the movie?  When he sang "I've Got The Magic In Me"?  Bestill my heart.

LOOK AT THIS PRECIOUS ANGEL.

Guys, it's time for me to confess that in the process of writing this "review", and googling info and pictures and stuff, I have fallen into a balck hole of obsession, and I'm listening to the soundtrack on repeat, I just keep remembering/finding out more hot guys that were in this movie and oh god what's happening to me I have far too much time on my hands right now to obsess I'm going to lose my mind xdhjbskejbgkawehbg

Ahem.  Anyway.  Pitch Perfect = GREAT.

THE BEST COMEDY I'VE SEEN SINCE EASY A.  SO THERE.

P.S. I tried to include visual aids to keep my readers engaged.  But I think I unfortunately also include too many words.

The Unemployment Diaries: Volume 1

So, first off, I'm unemployed now.  I would say that's a different story for a different day, but let's just skip over it entirely.

Instead, let's chronicle the things I've accomplished over the last several days:

-Cleaned the house before my parents returned home from their New England getaway
-Made 3 delicious dinners
-Made and consumed so many apple products that I'm worried I may start shitting my pants
-Went to the gym, twice
-Showered, twice
-Made initial attempts at finding new employment
-Drank 3 cans of Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash
-Raked leaves
-Caught up on DVR
-Fell down the YouTube rabbit hole. Survived.
-Shouted at the television
-Exhausted myself

Soooo, lots of exciting stuff so far.  Lots more exciting stuff on the horizon.  Thinking about watching some Netflix Instant.  Maybe, at some point getting another job.  BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I'll be sure to keep you updated on my exciting adventures!

Probably.

I smell.

Hey, so long story short (famous last words)...a few months ago, I moved to a new cubicle at work.  Shortly  after the move, my supervisor started sending out emails the the department reminding people to not wear heavy perfumes or lotions because we have people in the department that are sensitive to such things.  I paid these emails no mind, because I had just sat at the cubicle across from the girl with such allergies for a year, with no problems.

One day, as my coworker from the cubicle across from mine was leaving for the day, she asked to speak with me in one of the conference rooms.  Upon sitting down and closing the door, she informed me that the perfume I was wearing was making her physically ill and unable to breathe.  Needless to say, I was a bit surprised.  I have worn the same Vera Wang Princess perfume for 7 years, and have never encountered a problem with it.  And I don't bathe in it, because people that do that are disgusting.  A spritz on the throat, and a spritz on the wrist, and that's it.  Said coworker said she had never had a problem with scents or anything like that before, but something about this was really bothering her.  She was overly apologetic, asking me about 1000 times if I was mad at her, and apologizing for hurting my feelings.  My feelings were not hurt, but I felt bad to bring out such a reaction in someone.

The next day I came to work with no perfume, and all was well.  I told her what perfume I wear, so she could investigate what the allergy might be, and I assumed we were done.  However, for several days afterward, she continued to ask me if I was mad at her, and talk about how all the sleep she'd lost worrying that I was mad at her, and reliving just how AWFUL the perfume was, and how sick it made her feel.  And of course, in the same way that someone incessantly asking you "What's wrong?" becomes the only thing that is wrong, I did end up annoyed by her and the whole situation.  Plus, I love my perfume, and I miss wearing it!  I want to smell pretty!

So that was all, until this week.  Yesterday, mere minutes after I walked into work and sat down at my desk, said coworker asked if I was wearing my perfume.  I said no, because I truthfully was not.  I had dabbled in wearing different Bath and Body Works Body Sprays in the last few weeks, but wasn't even wearing any yesterday.  But as I was taking calls from customers for about the first hour I was there, she was asking the girl next to her (with a very SERIOUS allergy to scents), the woman next to me, people several desks over, people on the other side of the room, and everyone that walked by, if they could smell the AWFUL and OVERWHELMING and NAUSEATING scent that was making her sick.  Universal response: no.  But of course this was making me paranoid, so as I'm on the phone with customers, I was smelling my shirt and my pits and everything I could think of that might have a smell.  I mean there's tons of things: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, fabric softener, air freshener, etc.  But all I could determine that might be enough of a smell to carry over the cubicle wall was the hand lotion I had put on that morning,  As in, several hours before coming to work.

So after listening to her go on dramatically for an hour, all while shooting me the stink-eye, I finally snapped at her that I was wearing the same lotion I have worn every day (true.), but if she thought that was what was bothering her, I would go wash my hands AGAIN.  But even after taking a trip to the bathroom to rage-scrub my hands until they were pink, she carried on all day gasping, exclaiming "Oh, this smell!", and talking on the phone with customers with a tissue stuffed up her nose.  And glaring at me.  Always glaring at me.

So even though I was mega pissed, I came into work today wearing no perfume, no lotions, only unscented moisturizer on my face.  I was greeted by yet another department-wide email from my supervisor, asking us once again to not wear perfumes.  At this point, we are not supposed to wear perfume, body spray, lotion, lip gloss, chapstick, have hand sanitizer, or any of the above listed products at our desk.  In my opinion this is a liiiiittle extreme.  So I ignore it.  Anyway, so I waited all day for The Coworker to address me, and finally near the end of the day, she asked me if I was wearing a different lotion today, and I said no.  Because I am not wearing a different lotion, but I am not wearing the same lotion, because I am wearing no lotion.  But I wanted to gauge her reaction.  And sure enough, she said, it wasn't bothering her quite as much today, but it was still really burning her throat.  So now we're clear that she's just crazy.  She recommended I try using baby lotion.  I recommended she get herself allergy tested.  She looked offended.

So, my plan is to speak to my supervisor on Monday.  To get my word in, and not look like a scent bully.

So, this is my long boring work story.  That's what you get from demanding my return to blogging.  Moral of the story: I smell fucking GREAT, and everybody knows it.  Eff you, bitchy coworker.

FUCK YEAH I'M BLOGGING

Hey!  Hey guys!  Hi there!  Remember me?  I'm your friendly neighborhood blogger, Colleen.  I lunched with my dear friend Jhole this weekend, and she reminded me that I have a blog hadn't blogged in awhile.  So then I decided to look back on my previous blogging, and fell in love with myself all over again.  So I thought I'd throw some more words at you, because I know you've all missed me so much.  However, bedtime approaches, so let's not get crazy.

1) It's always best for me to get my current obsession out of the way with the first bullet point, so here goes: Doctor Who.  I know guys.  It's one of my geekier obsessions.  But I don't even care, because it is SO GOOD.  It's been in my Netflix instant queue for awhile, because I just had a sneaky suspicion that anything that had such a monstrously huge fanbase, and featured skinny British geniuses saving the world, would probably be my undoing. Especially given my recent obsession with Sherlock, which is very much tied to Doctor Who for Stephen Moffat reasons that nobody cares about.  Anyway, I was overwhelmed by the billions of seasons of the show, and didn't know where to start.  But then my friend and yours, Lauren Bernardo, solved that problem for me by having Leah and I watch The Eleventh Hour, the first episode of the newest Doctor's reign.  Matt Smith is the newest Doctor, and holy craaaaaaaap I am in love with him.  It really took me by surprise.  Though it really shouldn't have.  And I love his companions, Amy and Rory Williams/Pond, though we are rapidly approaching the fall of the Ponds and OH MY GOD NOBODY CARES BUT I CAN'T STOP CARING.  It's great.  Whatever.  Here's a picture:

"If we're going to die, let's do it looking like a Peruvian folk band."

For the record I got way to carried away google imaging for that one, and now I've got all sorts of stuff to share with Leah.

2) I think I may be dying.  What kind of deadly disease could it be if you burp a lot?  I've never been a burper, can't even do it on command, so I don't really know what to do with myself now.  And I feel like I once read that burping is an unexpected side effect of, like, a heart attack, or brain hemorrhage, or parkinson's disease, or something.  We shall see.

3)  It's fall!  I love fall!  It's so pretty and smells good and Ican eat soups and casseroles all the time.  Fall!

4)  Ever since Labor Day, I have lost all concept of what day of the week it is.  I have no idea when or where I am, or where I'm supposed to be, at any given time.  But oddly enough it has made my Mondays suck less.

5)  New TV starts soon/has already started.  i made up my regular comprehensive TV schedule.  I'm not sure there's that many new shows I'm interested in, but I am definitely happy to see the return of some oldies but goodies.  Whyyyyyy do I have to wait until October for American Horror Story?!

Eh, I've run out of things, at the moment.  Had to make 2-5 short to make up for 1.  Who am I kidding, I lost interest after 1.  Anyway, it's bedtime for all the little Colleens in the world, so we'll have to continue this later.  But I will!  I swear!  The trickiest part is breaking back into it after a long absence.  But here I am, and here, hopefully, I shall return.  Shortly.

Goodnight.

On The Eve Of My 26th Birthday

Here I am, less than an hour from turning 26 years old.  26 is a baffling age to me.  That means I am unquestionably an adult.  I am certainly not where I ever imagined I'd be by the age of 26.  I'm tempted to return to that place of panic and depression, but birthdays (and birthday-eves) are not the time for that.

So, instead, here are 26 things I'm thankful for, as I turn 26:

1. Short hair.  God, getting my hair cut short was the best decision I've made in years.  I wish I hadn't waited so long.  I feel freeeeee!

2. My legs.  They have carried me so much farther than I ever would have thought in this newfound running endeavor.  I mean, not that far, but they did not collapse under me immediately, which is better than I expected.  They are strong, long, and they don't look to bad in shorts and skirts, if I do say so myself.

3. Chicago.  I have never been there.  I would love to go someday.  But I admire the city for contributing so many great things to pop culture and my general enjoyment, and so many attractive men to the world.

4. Yoga Pants.  I could wear them every day.

5. Netflix.  Making me more hip and in-the-know.  Helping me fool people into falling for my pop-culture omniscience.

6.  England.  Remember that speech Hugh Grant makes in Love Actually, about all the reasons England is great?  Well, ditto.  I would also like to add to that list Love Actually itself, Will and Kate, Prince Hot Ginge, The 2012 Olympics, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock, Jubilees, Royal Weddings, British accents, and Harry Potter, again.

7. Music, new and old.  I don't even buy music anymore.  I am super out-of-touch with what's on the radio, for the most part, and half of what I have heard I don't like.  But some old favorites, namely John Mayer and Regina Spektor, have come back into my life recently, in a big way.  I haven't lost faith in everything entirely.

8. Talented People.  Thank you, talented actors, musicians, writers, dancers, etc.  Thank you for being so passionate about what you do, and for inspiring me.  You tickle the muse in the back of my brain, and make me want to do and create beautiful things.  Thanks for keeping me going.

9. Cinnamon Buns.  For being so warm, gooey, and delicious.

10. Water.  For keeping me hydrated, making me feel healthier, and making me look better.  Also, for swimming, watering my plants, and keeping me cool.

11. Nature.  For being so pretty.

12. My Parents.  For being cooler than their ages would let you believe.  For tolerating me.  For amusing me, and for being amused by me.  For loving me, and supporting me, and thinking the best of me.  For dreaming my dreams for me, and believing I can achieve them.

13. Good Scary Things.  Stephen King, American Horror Story, etc.  Thanks for maintaining just the right level of creepiness for my taste.

14. Literature.  For continuing to surprise me.

15.  Wine.  For being the happiest drink to drink. See Also: Champagne.

16. Love.  For continuing to exist, and making me want to find you.  For dangling in front of me like a carrot that's really really far away from the donkey.

17. Priorities.  For sorting yourselves out, sometimes.  For making me realize that some things can wait, much as I may not want them to.

18. The Internet.  For keeping me busy, connected, and inspired.  I hate and love that I do not know how I ever lived without you.

19. June.  For being such a fun, busy, and pretty month.  And my month, for the first eight days, anyway.

20. France.  For continuing to be the dream, the ideal.

21. Luck.  For keeping me from dying in a horrifically tragic car accident.  So far.

22. My sister.  We are so wonderfully different, and delightfully alike.  For making me so happy just for you to come over and do laundry on the weekend.  For being my sounding board, my reality check.  For proving yourself time and time again over the alternative.  For demonstrating what family really is.

23. Daydreams.  For staying unrealistic, and keeping me out of the doldrums with the unlikely but sure insistence that I was meant for greater things.

24. The 27.3 lbs I've lost since January.  I so wanted to make it to thirty by my birthday.  But you know what?  27.3 is nothing to sneeze at.  I did this myself, for the first time.  I took control of my life, and stopped looking for an easy way out.  I worked hard, I AM working hard, and my routine has changed enough that I'm confident I will continue to work hard.  I've proven I can do anything if I put my mind to it.  It's all about deciding it's time.

25. My 25th year, for being a test.  My hardest, saddest, most frustrating year yet.  But this year is behind me now.  It will be a story I will tell, an experience I will learn from.  I will be better, I am getting better every day.  I WILL make it an uphill journey from here.

26. My friends.  For being my friends.  My readers, my supporters, my entertainers, my listeners, my distraction, my reality check, my reassurance.  I try and fail to express how much you mean to me, particularly how much you've all meant to me over the past year.  I have been so focused on myself this year, I have not been a very good friend.  I'm taking steps to change that.  I can't wait to see how our bonds and relationships continue to grow and change over the years.  I love you all.

Happy Birthday to me!

Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967

Walt Grace, desperately hating his whole place,
Dreamed to discover a new space,
And buried himself alive,
Inside his basement, tongue on the side of his face when,
He's working away on displacement,
And what it would take to survive.

'Cause when you're done with this world,
You know the next is up to you.
And his wife told his kids he was crazy,
And his friends said he'd fail if he tried,
But with a will to work hard,
And a library card,
He took a homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.

That morning, the sea was mad and I mean it,
Waves as big as he'd seen it,
Deep in his dreams at home.
From dry land,
He rolled it over to wet sand,
Closed the hatch up with one hand,
And paddled off alone.

'Cause when you're done with this world,
You know the next is up to you.
And for once in his life it was quiet,
As he learned how to turn in the tide,
And the sky was a flare,
When he came up for air,
In his homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.

One evening,
When weeks had passed since his leaving,
The call she'd planned on receiving,
Finally made it home.
She accepted,
The news she'd never expected,
The operator connected,
A call from Tokyo.

'Cause when you're done with this world,
You know the next is up to you.
Now his friends,
Bring him up when they're drinking,
At the bar with his name on the side,
And they smile when they can,
As they speak of a man,
Who took a homemade,
Fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.



I am OBSESSED with this song.  Obsessed.  I cannot tell you why.  I also cannot tell you why it makes me cry, because if there's anything I've learned in the last year, it's that my crying sensors are completely broken.


Oh, Walt Grace.  I'm taking my library card on a submarine ride to Tokyo and away from this miserable place.


Also, John Fucking Mayer.  I can't quit you.  And I don't want to.

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

from Purpose Fairy:

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT

 There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. GIVE UP ON BLAME

 Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. GIVE UP YOUR SELF-DEFEATING SELF-TALK

 Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. GIVE UP YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS

about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. GIVE UP COMPLAINING

 Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. GIVE UP THE LUXURY OF CRITICISM

Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO IMPRESS OTHERS

Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. GIVE UP YOUR RESISTANCE TO CHANGE

 Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. GIVE UP LABELS

 Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. GIVE UP ON YOUR FEARS

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. GIVE UP YOUR EXCUSES

Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. GIVE UP THE PAST

I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. GIVE UP ATTACHMENT

This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. GIVE UP LIVING YOUR LIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.