OMG LEAH OMG LEAH OMG OMG OMG I WISH THE CRAIGSLIST KILLER WAS THIS DREAMY WHEN YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HIM!!
Seriously. Good lord. Adorable. I would totally let him kill me. With cereal.
Also, OMG OMG OMG OMG the woman who plays his girlfriend's mother is totally the pregnant bitch from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. Is there anything NOT WONDERFUL about this movie?!
Jake McDorman is playing the Craigslist Killer. Apparently he's on Greek, as well. I may have to start watching that. If it's even still on? Anyway, he and I are prooooobably soulmates, because we were born 1 month apart. Isn't that how soulmates work?
Why am I so attracted to serial killers? I am going to need so much therapy someday.
And not to condone anything, but maybe, as a way to avoid getting murdered, you should not sell your cookies to strangers on Craigslist. Just maybe. But I don't want to sound creepy. It's most important to just not kill people. So craigslist away, I guess.
BILLY BALDWIN?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? BILLY BALDWIN IS IN THIS MOVIE?! Oscar. Automatic Oscar for Best Picture in the History of the World. I just don't understand how this could possibly be any better. It's like they've dedicated this to me. Maybe there will be a loving dedication in the credits.
The only thing that could make this better?
***
Craigslist Killer Phillip Markoff, played by super-attractive Jake McDorman: Hey, you know who always inspired me to not kill people? My close high school friend Leah. I should really call her...
Takes out untraceable cell phone
CKPMpbsaJMcD, con't: Leah! Hi! Gosh, it has just been FOREVER since we last spoke. Are you free for dinner? I kinda need someone to talk me off the ledge. The serial killin' ledge.
Leah: Oooo....sorry close high school friend Phillip Markoff, I am so busy, but you know who has SO MUCH TIME TO MEET YOU? My close personal friend Colleen!
CKPMpbsaJMcD hesitates.
CKPMpbsaJMcD: Do you think she would be able to talk me off the serial-killin' ledge?
Leah: I am at least 85% sure that she would not find your serial killing sexy enough to not at least try to talk you out of it.
CKPMpbsaJMcD: Sounds great! I can't wait to meet her!
Colleen walks through the doors at Applebees, to find CKPMpbsaJMcD waiting with a Chicken Fajita Roll-up with extra Mexi-Ranch dipping sauce.
CKPMpbsaJMcD: Colleen, so nice to meet you! I hope you don't mind, but I brought my friend Billy Baldwin with me.
He gestures to the handsome older man next to him.
Colleen freezes time, and turns to the camera, Zack Morris-style.
Colleen: (into camera) Awesome.
Epilogue: Colleen does not get serially killed.
Fin.
***
So, while I was busy writing that little gem, The Craigslist Killer has killed at least one, possibly 3 people. Also, Billy Baldwin brooded. Because brooding is all he knows.
Uh oh, attractive cereal killer, everything and everyone is closing in on you! Also, if your murderin' ass was all over TV as a suspect, wouldn't you MAKE SURE that the TV was never on local news or, say, CNN? Keep your fiancee away from the TV! "Hey baby, I'm super attractive, let's have constant sex until thousands of birds fall from the sky in Arkansas!" Oh hey, and then
CKPMpbsaJMcD suggested almost exactly that. Awesome. Why am I not a Lifetime Movie scriptwriter?!
Or am I? Dun dun dun.
Well, maybe I should be.
I'm sorry, but if the cops found 16 pairs of suspicious panties and a handgun under the mattress I share with my fiance, I would maybe question my wedding plans a little bit.
Oh, honey, you are waaaay too cute for prison. You are well on your way to being someone's bitch.
OH GOD NO HANGING! *she says like she doesn't know how this ends*
Interviewing past acquaintances? WHAT ABOUT LEAH WHO HAD HOMEROOM WITH HIM FOR 4 YEARS?!
Oooooh okay, let's be real for a second. Having a detective read your fiance's kinky Craigslist profile that says he's into transsexuals and a variety of other fun things? In front of your family, no less? Even if that detective is Billy Baldwin, it kind of made me want to throw up a little bit. Much like Meghan McCallister.
Ohhhh he's scared to death ohhhhh it's so sad. Ugh, this is awful.
Megan Pocket. To end on an insensitive note, all that made me think of, was this:
Megaaaaaaan Pockeeeeeet
Wow, actually, that was pretty sad. The ending. I am sad for that girl. I hope she finds happiness with a great guy someday. A great guy who is not a serial killer. Billy Baldwin, maybe?
I am not condoning this blog post- as it is incredibly insensitive, but it does make me giggle so much. I don't know if anyone in the world enjoys your sense of humor the way I do.
ReplyDeleteI think you are like.... 75% genius, 10% awkward and 15% insane.
I do suggest that you start watching greek- it is still on, season premier was on tonight, but we were busy watching the Lifetime Original Movie:
The//Craigslist.Killer.
Also- when I clicked on the hooooot poockeeet link, guess what the 15 second pre-youtube video commercial was for? The damn craigslist killer movie. Creeps-Mcgee.
Best line in this post?
" you should not sell your cookies to strangers on Craigslist"
Truer words were never spoken.
Ok.... so when I try to comment from my phone it does not always work, and it makes me very frustrated.
ReplyDeleteHow did I not know that Leah went to school with the CraigsList Killer?! I had heard about dangerous people on CraigsList, but I didn't know there was a person referred to as "The Craigslist Killer"!?!? I have learned so much information from this post (I think, because most of it was new to me and I was very confused and concerned).
Soooo after reading this I went on to google and did a little research on this person and Wow. My students today were talking about the movie and said it was good/creepy. I have a date to watch it on Thursday. Hopefully it will get me in the know.
But seriously though... weren't the girls just asking for it? I didn't know you could post Booty Call ads on Craigslist. To think I've only been using it to sell furniture - oh the possibilities that have just been introduced to me.
Leah - If this killer were not dead, would he have been invited to the wedding?