Is it old? Yes. Is it cheesy? It sure is. But it is also WONDERFUL. And so festive. It is the movie that MAKES Christmas for me. Every song is great. It's a timeless, entertaining story. It's funny, it's sweet, it's romantic, and most of all: heartwarming. So what if Bing Crosby is a child-beater? So what if Danny Kaye was gay before gay was a thing? So what if Vera Ellen's eating disorder is painfully obvious? Rosemary Clooney is the bomb. You can take your It's a Wonderful Life and shove it - White Christmas is where it's at.
4. Cruel Intentions
Listen. I know that Sebastian Valmont and Kathryn Merteuil are horrible, reprehensible people. They are selfish rich brats that play games with people's lives. One of them has a wicked drug problem, and there's a very good chance that both of them have a regular buffet of STDs. And then there's Reese Witherspoon as the goody-goody, uptight, pristine, preachy, princess with the extremely high-waisted pants. But everything and everyone about this movie is so bad it's good. BUT, as a teenager, the main thing that got me through this movie was the real-life love story of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe. They are, let's face it, beautiful human beings. And they were in an old-fashioned, swoony, love-letter-writing real life romance. All girls are a sucker for a bad boy, especially if that bad boy is actually intelligent, rich, and a sexual heathen. And especially when that bad boy LOOKS LIKE RYAN PHILLIPPE:
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| Look at that. Look at it. |
Also, Cruel Intentions has one of the best soundtracks ever. Seriously. Leah will back me up on this. As well as pretty much everything else I've said about this movie.
3. The Prince and Me
The appeal of this movie is very simple. Every girl, no matter how feminist, bad-ass, and independent, wants to be a princess. Not necessarily to wear pink poofy dresses (but, yes.) but maybe to be the center of attention, to be praised, admired. To be spoiled, pampered, whisked away to lavish balls on private jets. And I think I am not alone in wanting to be swept away by a prince as hot as Eddie. Because he's adorable. (Even though he didn't age well for the Julia Styles-less sequel). But what's even better is that Julia's character, Paige, is not just lying around on the couch waiting for the nearest royal to propose. She's got a life plan, she is going to med school (I think), and she wants to travel the world. She just so happens to meet and fall in love with the prince of Denmark along the way.
2. Scream
Shitty horror movies are my favorite genre of film. Any film that features a vicious serial killer in a silly mask, with a knife that makes a "schwing!" noise is bound to be awesome. Scream was the first cheesy horror movie I saw, back in 6th grade. It wasn't until a few years later that I realized just how smart and clever it is. It's a shitty horror movie MAKING FUN OF SHITTY HORROR MOVIES! Brilliant. It's like what the Scary Movies series tried to do, but without beating you over the head with immature dick jokes. It's starts off strong with America's sweetheart Drew Barrymore being psychologically tortured, and then actually tortured. Then Matthew Lillard, Jamie Kennedy, Skeet Ulrich, Tara Reid, and David Arquette happen. They all happen, and so wonderfully.
1. Armageddon
Armageddon is my favorite movie. Of all time. Ever. The best movie ever. There is not enough time in the world or space on the internet for me to name all the awesome things about it. First of all, and I have to get this out of the way right off the bat: no one is more handsome than Ben Affleck in this movie. No one. Not one single human being has been better looking than Ben Affleck as AJ Frost. He makes an ORANGE SPACE SUIT look good. Ben aside, there's Bruce Willis, which I think goes without saying. There's also an ensemble cast made up of That Guy Who's Great In That Other Movie x 10. It's funny, and one of the most quotable movies around [Ed. note: and OH MY GOD IT'S ON TV RIGHT NOW.] Funny aside, there is also a heartwrenching amount of sorrow and drama. but that's more towards the end. What people seem to not be able to appreciate, about this movie, or so many other things that I love is this: Did it win any Oscars? No. Do I think it should? No. Is it wildly entertaining? YES. What is wrong with something being innocently entertaining? Whatever happened to suspending your disbelief? I consider myself to be one of the most critical people around, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one who can appreciate a movie, TV show, book, or music for out bad it is. Lighten up and soak it in everyone:
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| I scoured the Internetz for the poster that hung on my wall for 12 years. This will have to do. |
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