Cruel Intentions Redux

Sometimes I feel like I am blogging for Leah and Leah alone. I should really just send her my thoughts via email. Anyway, this is also for anyone who may enjoy/has ever seen the cinematic masterpiece, Cruel Intentions.

I watched it recently, and recorded my thoughts. I hope future civilizations will use my record as educational material.

Ah, yes, a walk down memory lane, way way back to 1999. Yeah, this movie came out 12 YEARS AGO. Ridiculous.

This movie, much like another 90s favorite: Can’t Hardly Wait, stars every single person who you sort of know or like from that one show or movie. Seriously. A lineup:

-Sarah Michelle Gellar

-Reese Witherspoon

-Ryan Phillippe

-Selma Blair

-Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)

-Josh Jackson

-Eric Mabius

-Sean Patrick Thomas

-Tara Reid

-Swoosie Kurts

-Christine Baranski

First of all, one of the best soundtracks….ever. Kickin it off right with Placebo.

Goooood dammit, Ryan. God dammit. Look at yourself. Painfully handsome. I will always love you. Whitney style.

Who keeps a diary, bro, really?

Oh…wait….why are there captions on my screen? Oh, well, whatever.

Ryan is just a BABY! I remember thinking he looked so much older than a high schooler, back when I watched this in middle school, and now he looks like a tiny baby handsome child.

A hysterically crying Tara Reid just makes me think of Urban Legend. In which she actually IS a slut.

I would let Ryan Phillippe take me to lunch and take pictures of me, even if he did post them on the internet.

I love Christine Baranski. She’s who I want to be when I grow up.

Oh god, Ryan’s such a dick, I love it.

“Keep your legs together, this isn’t Jamaica.” I’m going to have to start using that in regular conversation.

“Uncharted pooty?” Captain Picard references? You’re doing sexy wrong, SMG.

You know…with the glasses, and the voice, Ryan is kind of a huge nerd. Luckily for him, I’m a big fan of nerds.

“You can put it anywhere”?! I was not old enough to be watching this movie in 8^th grade!

Wow, Nurse Ratched has REALLY let herself go!

Why does Reese have such…swagger? Weird.

Ugh, Sean Patrick Thomas, you were the dreamiest black man of my preteen years. Teaching cello, teaching dance…you can just do it all!

Ohhhh Josh Jackson. Blonde. Super gay. And named Blaine! Blaine is apparently the gayest of names.

You know, I really love Pacey as a gay.

Pacey, what is your job? What are you doing?

Oh my goooooood, Eric Mabius is the Gregster! Aww, I knew I recognized him on Ugly Betty!

Selma Blair is sooooo dumb. And why is SMG dressed like she’s going to a state funeral at a picnic? Gaaaaah too much tongue, stop making out. All I can think of is the little dancing milk carton from the Coffee and TV video, playing in the background.

Reese is really pretty great in this movie. Remember when she was so adorably chubby-cheeked? She's really pretty skinny and angular now. I miss chubby-cheeked Reese.

Aww, Reese and Ryan were so in love in real life during this movie! Now they are not :( Reese and Ryan 4evs.

Zack Morris phone alert!

Did I just pause the screen on the shot of Ryan Phillipe’s naked ass? Yes, yes I did. Because seriously, no one’s ass should look that good. He looks like a sculpture! A sculpture I would like to have in the corner of my bedroom.

Eeet Weeell be fiiiiiine

Reese, why would you let him go? I mean, Maybe he cheated on you, but couldn’t you have worked it out? I mean, look at him!

“Baby” I forgot how fucking adorable he is when he says that. I might as well be back in Leah’s room circa 2000, swooning.

Do you think there were points during filming where SMG was just like, “I’m sorry, am I really supposed to say this sexily?”

Reese, WHY are your pants so high?

“The black man is gone!” I'll also have to start working that into daily conversation. Although this one may get more mixed reactions.

“Email is for geeks and pedophiles” Oh, Sebastian. What must you think of Twitter?!

I would listen to SMG do a book on tape. I love her voice. I want to be best friends with her. And slay vampires together.

OH my god, Ryan, you are such a perv. The mock cunnilingus AND tennis racket handjob, simultaneously? Pushing it. Poor Selma.

Captions, you are actually really helpful. Ryan wrote the alphabet with his tongue. Good work, pal. Gooooooood work.

Eating cherries, of course you are, Selma.

Hahaha, omg I love when they just throw Stupid Selma to the floor, and she bounces right back like it’s no big thing.

Reese, you are playing riiiight into his trap. Good for you.

Far be it for me to argue against having sex with Ryan Phillippe, but there is actually way more than a fine line between kissing once, and fucking. You guys could, I dunno, date? But, you know, follow your heart. Or your loins, as the case may be. Follow your loins right to Ryan Phillippe.

Uggggh. Colorblind. This movie is bringing back so many fake 8^th grade feelings for me.

Ah, the escalator! Imagine that sight greeting you at the top of as train station escalator. And really, are you purposely pouting your lips Ryan? Because no one is naturally that pouty. You look a little silly.

“I’m impressed.” “Well I’m in love.”

Ahhhh, the sex.

I want a drawer under my bed to keep my lovahhhs in. In reality, I would probably only keep, like, People Magazines, Harry Potter books, and Tostitos in there. No room for gentlemen callers.

Why is SMG dressed like a cast member from Dynasty?

This break-up scene breaks my heart. Because I know he was really so upset filming this, that he kept throwing up. Because they were in love! Old fashioned in love. And now they’re new school out of love. I will never be over it. Ever.

Ah, SMG, you really are a vindictive little bitch, aren’t you?

Boy, Ryan sure has quite the elaborate desk for all his journal writing!

Ronald, you are ALSO way too gullible. Stop listening to SMG!

Sebastian Valmont was Edward Cullen before Edward Cullen was Edward Cullen. And you can quote me on that.

Everyone’s walking purposefully! Ahh! Stuff's gonna happen!

Reese, those are the worst pants I’ve ever seen.

This is the saddest dreamy 90s boy fight ever.

I will never. EVER. Understand people throwing someone out of the way of a car, and getting hit by the car themselves. It makes no sense. Especially not in this movie. He doesn’t even TRY to get out of the way of the cab!

Still a surprising death, though.

Bittersweet symphony.

Oh, everyone is sooooo disappointed in SMG. WWBD = What would Buffy do?

So, Reese didn’t end up with Ryan, but she DID get his sweet car and, oddly enough, his sunglasses? Still a win.

I know this is based on a French play, which I have never read, but it has a very Shakespearian tragedy feel to it.

This movie really does possibly have the best soundtrack, I implore you, please, to listen to it. Now.

In closing.....I will never give up hope on Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe being in love and adorable. Let's just go back to the days where Reese had adorable chubby cheeks and Ryan had, just...THE most ridiculously perfect ass that anyone has ever seen, ever.