Guys, it's happened again.

I've fallen down the Twilight rabbit-hole.

I know, I know, I can feel your judgment from here.  If you are not even remotely a Twilight person, you're going to want to go ahead and stop reading now.

So, with Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 coming out this month, I decided I should reread the series, because I remembered very little, but also because my mind has become so clouded with Twilight-related rage that I had forgotten anything I had ever actually enjoyed about the books.  But I knew that I had.  So I'm working my way through again, for the second time.

As a little background, I got into Twilight right after I graduated from Fisher.  My roommate Kristina had tumbled into the rabbit-hole already, and tried to pull me along with her, but I knew that if there was any chance of me doing any studying for finals, I needed to not get sucked into another preteen book series.

A few days after I moved home after graduation, I picked up a copy Twilight in Walmart.  After pouring through it in about a day, I got the next 2 books out from the library.  I remember staying in a hotel room with my family in NYC, and reading Eclipse in the bathroom at 3am so I wouldn't wake anybody up, flailing silently at what I was reading.

This was a few months before the movie came out, so I already knew who had been cast in all the leads, so I've always had those faces pictured in my head as I've read along: Cedric Diggory as Edward, the gender-ambiguous kid from Panic Room as Bella, Mike Dexter from Can't Hardly Wait as Carlisle, the mysterious pregnant lady from Grey's Anatomy as Esme, etc.

All I really remembered about having read the books the first time, was that Eclipse was my favorite, and New Moon was my least favorite.  After a second time through, I'm not sure that's entirely true.  I haven't reread Breaking Dawn yet, but I don't anticipate that affecting my ranking here. 

I think Twilight, the introduction to the series, is the most enjoyable.  You meet everyone, get introduced to Forks and all the magic it contains, and you fall in love with all of it.  There's more carefree lovesick happiness in this book, less angst and heartbreak than all the others.  Which is to be expected for the first book in a series (see also: Harry Potter), but i still think it makes for a great read.

New Moon is not as bad as I remembered, upon a second read.  I think New Moon is notoriously unpopular, because Edward is only in, like, maybe 15% of it?  But I am a proud member of Team Jacob, and I think that, while the author took a big chance cutting her main romantic interest almost entirely out of the second book in a teen romance series, I think it totally paid off, because it gives us a chance to fall in love with Jacob.  The problem I have with New Moon, and I think it's what stuck with me so long after, is that I think the entire concept of losing your shit so seriously over a guy you've only known for a few months is more than a little bit ridiculous.  Granted, I have never been in love, so I can't relate to that aspect, but I am overly-emotional and obsessive and attached to things, and yet I feel like I wouldn't even go into a coma like that if a member of my family died.  Please don't quote me on that.

Eclipse.  Ugh.  As I said, I think Twilight is the most enjoyable read of the series, but Eclipse is the best.  Eclipse is just heart-wrenching to me.  Even though a bunch of other stuff happens, the main story in that for me, (and I guess for everyone else, really), is the love triangle between Edward, Bella, and Jacob.  Jacob is not giving up without a fight, and it makes my heart explode.  Honestly, I don't know why they didn't decide to just put a picture of my juicy red heart against a dramatic black background on the cover of this book.  I am (sort of) ashamed to admit that the scene that stuck with me most after that first reading is the scene with Edward, Jacob, and Bella in the tent, particularly the sleeping bag.  I mean, COME ON: Stephanie Meyer wrote the fanfiction before the TwiHards could even get to it.  It is the most fanfiction-y thing I have ever read in print, and I have read the epilogue to Deathly Hallows a number of times.  I only just finished rereading this book tonight, and it's all come back to me just how absolutely heart-wrenching it is.  JACOB!   Ugh.

Breaking Dawn.  Haven't reread it yet.  I remember it as being batshit crazy.  I'm pretty sure a reread is not going to convince me otherwise.  Unless there are no magic super babies named Renesmee (don't even get me started), and no imprinting.  The headboard destruction can remain.  I won't hate seeing RPattz in action on the big screen.

So, the whole Team Edward vs. Team Jacob thing is very difficult for me.  Coming into this, I loved Robert Pattinson hardcore as Cedric Diggory in Goblet of Fire, particularly the DVD extras, where you got just a taste of how completely out-of-his-mind he is.  And he has proven that even more in recent years.  He either has a very serious drinking problem, or a paralyzing social anxiety disorder, which he treats with booze.  Did anyone see the MTV Awards where he presented a lifetime achievement award to Reese Witherspoon?  Hoooooly shit.  I have grown to love him more in his other movies: Water For Elephants, Remember Me, etc.  He is actually a good actor.  But in the Twilight movies, he is TERRIBLE.  Painfully awful.  I blame the directors, trying to make the vampires look and act all cool and other-worldly (good god, look what they've done to Jackson Rathbone!).  His lines are WAY to stilted and broody.  Taylor Lautner I think was perfectly cast as Jacob.  He's so precious and likable in the first movie, and then in New Moon we get hit with BAM abs!  Holy shit abs.  I am Team Jacob's Abs.  He has enough likable charm to make me believe him to be the Jacob from the books.  I think overall, he does a better acting job than RPattz in the movies.  But he seems like a Handsomeness Robot in real life.  I bought Rolling Stone when The Abs were on the cover, expecting to finally fall in love with him through the article, but it really just made him seem like more of a robot.  My love for The Abs has not wavered though.  So to sum up:

Book Edward vs. Book Jacob = Advantage: Jacob

Movie Edward vs. Movie Jacob = Advantage: Jacob

Real-Life RPattz vs. Real-Life TLaut = Advantage: RPattz

Jacob's Abs vs. Anything Else = Advantage: ABS!

Really though.  I realize Bella's got a big decision on her hands, on top of being chased by vampire bad-guys that want to eat her, but she really could have handled it all better.  I won't get into how she is without a doubt the worst female role model for teenage girls, but even to someone older, jaded, and not so impressionable, her behavior is reprehensible and annoying!  She has terrible self-esteem, does not think she is worthy of either boy, or really any of her friends or loved ones, or any happiness or joy at all.  She thinks every single thing that happens is her fault.  She is so easily swayed, and pushed around by the men in her life, somehow still blaming herself for everything.  And it's a shame, because at times she's cool, and likable, but then she pulls so much ridiculous shit, I want her to just get eaten by a vampire already.

And, here's the thing I don't get.  Stephanie Meyer spends so much time throughout the series getting you to fall in love with Jacob.  And she does a great job of it.  You fall in love with him as a friend first, all silly and carefree and adorable.  Then wha-BAM you and Bella get smacked in the face with the book version of The Abs.  Then he fights for her so unfailingly, puts up with endless shit from her and the Cullens, and keeps coming back for more punishment.  You watch his heart get broken and stomped on, and yet still he loves her so much, he won't let her go.  You even get a glimpse into the future, the "what might have been".  And you know he would have been the better choice for her.  They would have been happy, he would protect her, they would have babies, they would grow old together.  By the end of Eclipse, I am just screaming at random pages of the book, trying to get Bella to see reason.  If any of you read the books or watch the movies, please picture me on top of the snowy mountain with Bella and Jacob, as they are fighting/saying their goodbyes/ making out, while I am in the background screaming, "WHAAAAAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!  LOOK AT HIM!  HE LOVES YOU!  LOOK AT THE ABS, FOR GOD'S SAKE!  Oh...oh, you're making out now?  Oh, well, good for you.  Carry on, then."  But then more screaming later when she makes poor life choices and breaks poor Jacob's heart repeatedly.

Anyway, all this time spent on Jacob, and yet....what reason does she give for you to fall in love with Edward?  There is scene after scene in which Jacob is adorable and sweet and also hot (literally.), and Bella's thinking how wonderful he is, but it always ends with "But he's no Edward."  Her heart has made its choice, she and Edward are more than soulmates, she can't live without him, she only has eyes for him, he is the most wonderful person in the whole wide world, she is willing to throw her whole life away (literally.) just to be with him forever, etc.  But...why?  He is handsome.  Snappy dresser.  Virtuous.  Uses pretentious antiquated speech.  Has nice handwriting.  Super-rich, and likes to buy her things.  But WHAT is it about him that makes him so irresistible to her?  There is just not enough evidence in these books to support his case over Jacob's.  About 40 pages into book 1 and Bella has already decided he is the love of her life.  What has he done? Choked down a bite of pizza, all for show?  Brooded over the microscope in biology? 

One thing that is touched on but never really elaborated enough to my liking in the series, is the fact that one of the vampires' biggest predatory advantages is that they are absolutely irresistible to their prey, i.e. humans.  They are super smokin hot, graceful, awesome-smelling, sweet-talkin, etc.  Who's to say Bella isn't just reeled in by all that?  She may just be under his spell.  Why does no one ever question this?  Why does Edward, Bella's broody soulmate in self-worthlessness, never question whether Bella's love was true or whether she was just easy prey?

And really, who would pick COLD and HARD over SOFT and WARM.  Nothing about making out with a cold statue is appealing to me.  Sharing a sleeping bag with a steaming pile of werewolf abs, now that's another story.  It is so fucking cold in here right now, I wish I had a werewolf to spoon with.

I'm going to stop now.  I have already gone on far too long.  I wish I weren't so wordy.  I'm just not cut out for blogging.