“[When Vonnegut tells his wife he’s going out to buy an envelope] Oh, she says, well, you’re not a poor man. You know, why don’t you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I’m going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don’t know. The moral of the story is, is we’re here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don’t realize, or they don’t care, is we’re dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we’re not supposed to dance at all anymore.”
— Kurt Vonnegut
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Things I Love, Currently
1) Pinterest. I don't understand it, I feel like I'm doing it wrong, but I LOVE being able to collect all the pretty things that I find!
2) The Glee Project. Samuel AND Damian won. Spoiler alert, back there. I could not be more pleased, and/or more excited for Glee season 3.
3) OH MY GOD LISA FRANK BAHAHAHA
4) My friends. I saw everyone this weekend, and it was wonderful! And my Leah is getting married! I'm so excited for all of it! Ahhhh!
5) Sleep. I have been sleeping soooooo well recently. That's not bragging, because I had been NOT sleeping or sleeping poorly for quite some time. So, this is definitely a welcome change.
2) The Glee Project. Samuel AND Damian won. Spoiler alert, back there. I could not be more pleased, and/or more excited for Glee season 3.
3) OH MY GOD LISA FRANK BAHAHAHA
4) My friends. I saw everyone this weekend, and it was wonderful! And my Leah is getting married! I'm so excited for all of it! Ahhhh!
5) Sleep. I have been sleeping soooooo well recently. That's not bragging, because I had been NOT sleeping or sleeping poorly for quite some time. So, this is definitely a welcome change.
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Friends finale is on
cry cry cry cry cry cry
Will this show ever not be the greatest thing ever? It is always ALWAYS consistently funny. You can be channel surfing, come across any Friends episode, and you know you're in for a half hour of solid entertainment.
I think it's also partly because the end of this show is so tied up with the end of high school, and all of my friends leeeeeaving. Meghan and David moving to Westchester (with a guest room for Jhole, of course) and adopting surprise twins, and I was going to continue this comparison, but I just keep coming up with Meghan/Monica comparisons.
I wish Friends was still on. I want to see them with babies! I want to see Joey find love! Emma would be...oh my god, Emma would be so old by now! What, like, 10? And I shudder to think of how old Ben would be. And the twins! Asmuch as I would love to see where they are now, and I don't think they would have ever run out of good storylines, I don't think I would want them to make a Friends movie. As much as I would LOVE it, and would TOTALLY go see it, possibly multiple times, I think it would just not be...believable? Especially since Jennifer Aniston is such a big star now, and Matthew Perry was in a movie with Zac Efron, etc.
OH, hey, it wasn't the finale. The pre-finale episode. Or maybe a few episodes before, I don't know. Close enough to the end to make me sad. Anyway, now the episode after Monica and Chandler's wedding is on. Monica was such a babe at her wedding! Good for you, Big Fat Goalie.
"Bravo Dennis, thanks for pleasing my mother so."
Friends. I love you. Thank you for being a Friend.
Will this show ever not be the greatest thing ever? It is always ALWAYS consistently funny. You can be channel surfing, come across any Friends episode, and you know you're in for a half hour of solid entertainment.
I think it's also partly because the end of this show is so tied up with the end of high school, and all of my friends leeeeeaving. Meghan and David moving to Westchester (with a guest room for Jhole, of course) and adopting surprise twins, and I was going to continue this comparison, but I just keep coming up with Meghan/Monica comparisons.
I wish Friends was still on. I want to see them with babies! I want to see Joey find love! Emma would be...oh my god, Emma would be so old by now! What, like, 10? And I shudder to think of how old Ben would be. And the twins! Asmuch as I would love to see where they are now, and I don't think they would have ever run out of good storylines, I don't think I would want them to make a Friends movie. As much as I would LOVE it, and would TOTALLY go see it, possibly multiple times, I think it would just not be...believable? Especially since Jennifer Aniston is such a big star now, and Matthew Perry was in a movie with Zac Efron, etc.
OH, hey, it wasn't the finale. The pre-finale episode. Or maybe a few episodes before, I don't know. Close enough to the end to make me sad. Anyway, now the episode after Monica and Chandler's wedding is on. Monica was such a babe at her wedding! Good for you, Big Fat Goalie.
"Bravo Dennis, thanks for pleasing my mother so."
Friends. I love you. Thank you for being a Friend.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Nineties. The greatest ten twentyfifths of my life.
"They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee god damn you"
That's an awfully angsty way to start a blog post, but i'm actually just listening to some sweet nineties tunes. So no worries, I still have all me limbs.
It's just about 4am. Why would I be sleeping? That doesn't make any sense, right? Because my body has decided, at the ripe old age of just barely 25, that not only can I not eat cake anymore, but also that the best way to deal with stress and unhappiness is to just never ever sleep ever again.
I'm not sick, but I'm not well, as the nineties would say.
Since I've quoted two lines from their song so far, I should clarify that I am listening to Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger. I bet you're thinking, what the fuck song is that? Probably something you don't know, right? Wrong. I don't know that I've ever heard of Harvey Danger before, or the song title "Flagpole Sitta", but I sure as shootin' know the song, and I guarantee you do too. For those of you that did not just click on that link (everyone), let me make it real easy for you, and explain that it's the "Paranoia paranoia everybody's comin to get me" song. If that still doesn't ring any bells for you, then I just fucking hate you. But about 98% percent of the hatred results from the fact that you're probably asleep right now, and I very much am not.
What other vitally important things do I have to share with the world at 4am? Well, I've been doing a lot of 90s reminiscing recently, and daydreaming that if I still lived in a world where I had an apartment and a social life and alcohol and the ability to stay up late and/or eat cake, I would have the super fucking sweetest 90s theme party. And not the late nineties, either. But the awesome flannelly early nineties. I would dress as The Bee Girl. I've always wanted to dress up as the Bee Girl. But I know the reference would go woefully unappreciated, in this world full of people who did not grow up with big brothers who watched a lot of MTV.
Blind Melon, people, BLIND MELON.
You know what? While I'm on a role here and not sleeping, I'm going to list a few of my other favorite nineties songs that nobody fucking knows:
Crash Test Dummies- Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. Yep, that's the actual song title, people. The band is so badass that they couldn't come up with lyrics they liked for the chorus (bridge? I only pretend to know what parts of a song these words actually apply to) so they said "ah, fuck it, we'll just hum it!" And they did. Also, deepest voice ever. Outdoes Barry White. In part because this guy can't even actually sing at all. But it still sounds awesome. I could actually go on and on about how obsessed I have always been with this song, but every time I do, people think I'm fucking crazy, because a. they have never heard (of) it before, b. they think the lyrics are creepy, c. they think it sounds awful, but oh my god just listen to it it's amazing!
Alanis Morissette- Your House
While this is on Alanis's best-known album, Jagged Little Pill (which everyone should listen to, for the love of GOD) it is a "hidden bonus track". "Hidden bonus track" means that you have to wait through like two minutes of complete silence after the last song on the album, by which time you've drifted off to sleep with your headphones on, before Alanis startles you awake again. Hidden Bonus Tracks are Chapter 847 in "Things That Fill Me With A Firey Rage" by Colleen Weiler. Anyway...this song. Is just. Bitchin. In an album full of rip-roarin' female-empowering girl rock, "Your House" is just...heartbreaking. I just think it's so raw and honest and relatable. If it weren't for my powerful aversion to breaking and entering, I would absolutely rifle through the possessions of theonethatgotaway, and then cry naked in his shower. Would you forgive me, Love?
It's also an excellent PSA on locking your doors when you're not home.
It is ALSO one of the songs that is on my American Idol Fantasy Performances List, but that's a different story for a different day.
That's an awfully angsty way to start a blog post, but i'm actually just listening to some sweet nineties tunes. So no worries, I still have all me limbs.
It's just about 4am. Why would I be sleeping? That doesn't make any sense, right? Because my body has decided, at the ripe old age of just barely 25, that not only can I not eat cake anymore, but also that the best way to deal with stress and unhappiness is to just never ever sleep ever again.
I'm not sick, but I'm not well, as the nineties would say.
Since I've quoted two lines from their song so far, I should clarify that I am listening to Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger. I bet you're thinking, what the fuck song is that? Probably something you don't know, right? Wrong. I don't know that I've ever heard of Harvey Danger before, or the song title "Flagpole Sitta", but I sure as shootin' know the song, and I guarantee you do too. For those of you that did not just click on that link (everyone), let me make it real easy for you, and explain that it's the "Paranoia paranoia everybody's comin to get me" song. If that still doesn't ring any bells for you, then I just fucking hate you. But about 98% percent of the hatred results from the fact that you're probably asleep right now, and I very much am not.
What other vitally important things do I have to share with the world at 4am? Well, I've been doing a lot of 90s reminiscing recently, and daydreaming that if I still lived in a world where I had an apartment and a social life and alcohol and the ability to stay up late and/or eat cake, I would have the super fucking sweetest 90s theme party. And not the late nineties, either. But the awesome flannelly early nineties. I would dress as The Bee Girl. I've always wanted to dress up as the Bee Girl. But I know the reference would go woefully unappreciated, in this world full of people who did not grow up with big brothers who watched a lot of MTV.
Blind Melon, people, BLIND MELON.
You know what? While I'm on a role here and not sleeping, I'm going to list a few of my other favorite nineties songs that nobody fucking knows:
Crash Test Dummies- Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. Yep, that's the actual song title, people. The band is so badass that they couldn't come up with lyrics they liked for the chorus (bridge? I only pretend to know what parts of a song these words actually apply to) so they said "ah, fuck it, we'll just hum it!" And they did. Also, deepest voice ever. Outdoes Barry White. In part because this guy can't even actually sing at all. But it still sounds awesome. I could actually go on and on about how obsessed I have always been with this song, but every time I do, people think I'm fucking crazy, because a. they have never heard (of) it before, b. they think the lyrics are creepy, c. they think it sounds awful, but oh my god just listen to it it's amazing!
Alanis Morissette- Your House
While this is on Alanis's best-known album, Jagged Little Pill (which everyone should listen to, for the love of GOD) it is a "hidden bonus track". "Hidden bonus track" means that you have to wait through like two minutes of complete silence after the last song on the album, by which time you've drifted off to sleep with your headphones on, before Alanis startles you awake again. Hidden Bonus Tracks are Chapter 847 in "Things That Fill Me With A Firey Rage" by Colleen Weiler. Anyway...this song. Is just. Bitchin. In an album full of rip-roarin' female-empowering girl rock, "Your House" is just...heartbreaking. I just think it's so raw and honest and relatable. If it weren't for my powerful aversion to breaking and entering, I would absolutely rifle through the possessions of theonethatgotaway, and then cry naked in his shower. Would you forgive me, Love?
It's also an excellent PSA on locking your doors when you're not home.
It is ALSO one of the songs that is on my American Idol Fantasy Performances List, but that's a different story for a different day.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Reality Check
I have $65,000 worth of student loans to pay back.
$65,000 is such a mind-bogglingly huge number to me. And it doesn't even include the loan my parents took out for me, that I have to pay them back for.
My 4 years spent at two private colleges have amounted to only a handful of jobs that do not even require a college degree.
I am running out of deferment and forbearance opportunities.
This is just an endless circle of madness. How is anyone supposed to get out of this mess?
I'm going to have to start selling my eggs.
If I could go back, would I do it all again? I don't know. I want to say I would. I've had amazing experiences and made amazing friends. And I feel that everyone needs to have the "college experience" because it's about so much more than just classes. But if I had forgone college and gotten a job right out of high school, I would literally be exactly where I am now. Except not $65,000 in the whole. I would be in the black, rather than massively in the red.
That is such a depressing realization, isn't it? The most expensive decision I have ever and will ever make in my life, and it was the wrong one. Sigh. I don't know what to do anymore.
$65,000 is such a mind-bogglingly huge number to me. And it doesn't even include the loan my parents took out for me, that I have to pay them back for.
My 4 years spent at two private colleges have amounted to only a handful of jobs that do not even require a college degree.
I am running out of deferment and forbearance opportunities.
This is just an endless circle of madness. How is anyone supposed to get out of this mess?
I'm going to have to start selling my eggs.
If I could go back, would I do it all again? I don't know. I want to say I would. I've had amazing experiences and made amazing friends. And I feel that everyone needs to have the "college experience" because it's about so much more than just classes. But if I had forgone college and gotten a job right out of high school, I would literally be exactly where I am now. Except not $65,000 in the whole. I would be in the black, rather than massively in the red.
That is such a depressing realization, isn't it? The most expensive decision I have ever and will ever make in my life, and it was the wrong one. Sigh. I don't know what to do anymore.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I Shouldn't Watch Reality Shows
Because they make me lose my mind. Long story short, I thought my favorite contestant was going to be eliminated on The Glee Project tonight, and it resulted in the following g-chat rampage.
As a brief explanation: Damian is my favorite, and he's got a bromance going on with Cameron, who in tonight's episode, wouldn't kiss a costar because he's godly and felt it was inappropriate. Because of this, he decided to quit the competition, because he felt his hesitance showed a lack of dedication. Ryan Murphy, producer of the show, and of Glee, tried to talk him out of it, but Cameron stuck to his guns. Thankfully, because if Cameron hadn't quit, Damian would have gone home.
Meanwhile, this happened:
As a brief explanation: Damian is my favorite, and he's got a bromance going on with Cameron, who in tonight's episode, wouldn't kiss a costar because he's godly and felt it was inappropriate. Because of this, he decided to quit the competition, because he felt his hesitance showed a lack of dedication. Ryan Murphy, producer of the show, and of Glee, tried to talk him out of it, but Cameron stuck to his guns. Thankfully, because if Cameron hadn't quit, Damian would have gone home.
Meanwhile, this happened:
me: QUIT QUIT QUIT QUIT QUIT
QUIT QUIT QUIT QUIT QUIT
QUIT
QUIT RIGHT NOW
RIGHT NOW CAMERON
IT WILL BREAK DAMIANS HEART BUT NOT MINE
NO
NO FUCKING NO
YOU GIVE UP OIN HIM RYAN
GIVE UP
I WILL NOT TRUST IN YOU RYAN
OH MY GOD, I WILL PUNCH RYAN MURPHY RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING VAGINA
I CANNOT NOT BE IN CAPS LOCK NOW
Heather: i understand
me: NO ONE ELSE SHOULD GO HOME
fuck
BACK TO CAPS LOCK
CAMERON
THINK OF DAMIAN
THINK OF DAMIANNNN
RYAN, STOP MEDDLING
CAMERON
CAMERON
CAMERON
you know what
damian's going home
he just is
he's been heavily featured all episode
Heather: we know, we are resigned
me: and i've tried to be strong, and hopeful, and optimistic
but i have invested myself, and now i am mad
because god for-fucking-bid he just go home under normal conditions
no
he has to be fucked over by his boyfriend
you will break his heart, cameron!
and god doesn't like heart-breakers!
neither does mariah carey!
Heather: and she's more important
me: damian would have PENETRATED lindsay if they'd asked him to
BECAUSE HE IS A GOD DAMN PROFESSIONAL
inhale
exhale
And a little bit earlier, this:
me: i think you're ahead of me now, somehow
I am so dramatic. I need some kind of horse tranquilizers in order to continue watching any more reality television.
And a little bit earlier, this:
me: i think you're ahead of me now, somehow
i don't want to talk about it
get the camera out of his face!
i'm sweating
what is happening
oh god
i
dammit
my heart is breaking
my legs and arms are also breaking
my eyeballs are bleeding
my hair is falling out
I am so dramatic. I need some kind of horse tranquilizers in order to continue watching any more reality television.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Cruel Intentions Redux
Sometimes I feel like I am blogging for Leah and Leah alone. I should really just send her my thoughts via email. Anyway, this is also for anyone who may enjoy/has ever seen the cinematic masterpiece, Cruel Intentions.
I watched it recently, and recorded my thoughts. I hope future civilizations will use my record as educational material.
I watched it recently, and recorded my thoughts. I hope future civilizations will use my record as educational material.
Ah, yes, a walk down memory lane, way way back to 1999. Yeah, this movie came out 12 YEARS AGO. Ridiculous.
This movie, much like another 90s favorite: Can’t Hardly Wait, stars every single person who you sort of know or like from that one show or movie. Seriously. A lineup:
-Sarah Michelle Gellar
-Reese Witherspoon
-Ryan Phillippe
-Selma Blair
-Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
-Josh Jackson
-Eric Mabius
-Sean Patrick Thomas
-Tara Reid
-Swoosie Kurts
-Christine Baranski
First of all, one of the best soundtracks….ever. Kickin it off right with Placebo.
Goooood dammit, Ryan. God dammit. Look at yourself. Painfully handsome. I will always love you. Whitney style.
Who keeps a diary, bro, really?
Oh…wait….why are there captions on my screen? Oh, well, whatever.
Ryan is just a BABY! I remember thinking he looked so much older than a high schooler, back when I watched this in middle school, and now he looks like a tiny baby handsome child.
A hysterically crying Tara Reid just makes me think of Urban Legend. In which she actually IS a slut.
I would let Ryan Phillippe take me to lunch and take pictures of me, even if he did post them on the internet.
I love Christine Baranski. She’s who I want to be when I grow up.
Oh god, Ryan’s such a dick, I love it.
“Keep your legs together, this isn’t Jamaica.” I’m going to have to start using that in regular conversation.
“Uncharted pooty?” Captain Picard references? You’re doing sexy wrong, SMG.
You know…with the glasses, and the voice, Ryan is kind of a huge nerd. Luckily for him, I’m a big fan of nerds.
“You can put it anywhere”?! I was not old enough to be watching this movie in 8th grade!
Wow, Nurse Ratched has REALLY let herself go!
Why does Reese have such…swagger? Weird.
Ugh, Sean Patrick Thomas, you were the dreamiest black man of my preteen years. Teaching cello, teaching dance…you can just do it all!
Ohhhh Josh Jackson. Blonde. Super gay. And named Blaine! Blaine is apparently the gayest of names.
You know, I really love Pacey as a gay.
Pacey, what is your job? What are you doing?
Oh my goooooood, Eric Mabius is the Gregster! Aww, I knew I recognized him on Ugly Betty!
Selma Blair is sooooo dumb. And why is SMG dressed like she’s going to a state funeral at a picnic? Gaaaaah too much tongue, stop making out. All I can think of is the little dancing milk carton from the Coffee and TV video, playing in the background.
Reese is really pretty great in this movie. Remember when she was so adorably chubby-cheeked? She's really pretty skinny and angular now. I miss chubby-cheeked Reese.
Aww, Reese and Ryan were so in love in real life during this movie! Now they are not :( Reese and Ryan 4evs.
Zack Morris phone alert!
Did I just pause the screen on the shot of Ryan Phillipe’s naked ass? Yes, yes I did. Because seriously, no one’s ass should look that good. He looks like a sculpture! A sculpture I would like to have in the corner of my bedroom.
Eeet Weeell be fiiiiiine
Reese, why would you let him go? I mean, Maybe he cheated on you, but couldn’t you have worked it out? I mean, look at him!
“Baby” I forgot how fucking adorable he is when he says that. I might as well be back in Leah’s room circa 2000, swooning.
Do you think there were points during filming where SMG was just like, “I’m sorry, am I really supposed to say this sexily?”
Reese, WHY are your pants so high?
“The black man is gone!” I'll also have to start working that into daily conversation. Although this one may get more mixed reactions.
“Email is for geeks and pedophiles” Oh, Sebastian. What must you think of Twitter?!
I would listen to SMG do a book on tape. I love her voice. I want to be best friends with her. And slay vampires together.
OH my god, Ryan, you are such a perv. The mock cunnilingus AND tennis racket handjob, simultaneously? Pushing it. Poor Selma.
Captions, you are actually really helpful. Ryan wrote the alphabet with his tongue. Good work, pal. Gooooooood work.
Eating cherries, of course you are, Selma.
Hahaha, omg I love when they just throw Stupid Selma to the floor, and she bounces right back like it’s no big thing.
Reese, you are playing riiiight into his trap. Good for you.
Far be it for me to argue against having sex with Ryan Phillippe, but there is actually way more than a fine line between kissing once, and fucking. You guys could, I dunno, date? But, you know, follow your heart. Or your loins, as the case may be. Follow your loins right to Ryan Phillippe.
Uggggh. Colorblind. This movie is bringing back so many fake 8th grade feelings for me.
Ah, the escalator! Imagine that sight greeting you at the top of as train station escalator. And really, are you purposely pouting your lips Ryan? Because no one is naturally that pouty. You look a little silly.
“I’m impressed.” “Well I’m in love.”
Ahhhh, the sex.
I want a drawer under my bed to keep my lovahhhs in. In reality, I would probably only keep, like, People Magazines, Harry Potter books, and Tostitos in there. No room for gentlemen callers.
Why is SMG dressed like a cast member from Dynasty?
This break-up scene breaks my heart. Because I know he was really so upset filming this, that he kept throwing up. Because they were in love! Old fashioned in love. And now they’re new school out of love. I will never be over it. Ever.
Ah, SMG, you really are a vindictive little bitch, aren’t you?
Boy, Ryan sure has quite the elaborate desk for all his journal writing!
Ronald, you are ALSO way too gullible. Stop listening to SMG!
Sebastian Valmont was Edward Cullen before Edward Cullen was Edward Cullen. And you can quote me on that.
Everyone’s walking purposefully! Ahh! Stuff's gonna happen!
Reese, those are the worst pants I’ve ever seen.
This is the saddest dreamy 90s boy fight ever.
I will never. EVER. Understand people throwing someone out of the way of a car, and getting hit by the car themselves. It makes no sense. Especially not in this movie. He doesn’t even TRY to get out of the way of the cab!
Still a surprising death, though.
Bittersweet symphony.
Oh, everyone is sooooo disappointed in SMG. WWBD = What would Buffy do?
So, Reese didn’t end up with Ryan, but she DID get his sweet car and, oddly enough, his sunglasses? Still a win.
I know this is based on a French play, which I have never read, but it has a very Shakespearian tragedy feel to it.
This movie really does possibly have the best soundtrack, I implore you, please, to listen to it. Now.
In closing.....I will never give up hope on Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe being in love and adorable. Let's just go back to the days where Reese had adorable chubby cheeks and Ryan had, just...THE most ridiculously perfect ass that anyone has ever seen, ever.
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