Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967

Walt Grace, desperately hating his whole place,
Dreamed to discover a new space,
And buried himself alive,
Inside his basement, tongue on the side of his face when,
He's working away on displacement,
And what it would take to survive.

'Cause when you're done with this world,
You know the next is up to you.
And his wife told his kids he was crazy,
And his friends said he'd fail if he tried,
But with a will to work hard,
And a library card,
He took a homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.

That morning, the sea was mad and I mean it,
Waves as big as he'd seen it,
Deep in his dreams at home.
From dry land,
He rolled it over to wet sand,
Closed the hatch up with one hand,
And paddled off alone.

'Cause when you're done with this world,
You know the next is up to you.
And for once in his life it was quiet,
As he learned how to turn in the tide,
And the sky was a flare,
When he came up for air,
In his homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.

One evening,
When weeks had passed since his leaving,
The call she'd planned on receiving,
Finally made it home.
She accepted,
The news she'd never expected,
The operator connected,
A call from Tokyo.

'Cause when you're done with this world,
You know the next is up to you.
Now his friends,
Bring him up when they're drinking,
At the bar with his name on the side,
And they smile when they can,
As they speak of a man,
Who took a homemade,
Fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.



I am OBSESSED with this song.  Obsessed.  I cannot tell you why.  I also cannot tell you why it makes me cry, because if there's anything I've learned in the last year, it's that my crying sensors are completely broken.


Oh, Walt Grace.  I'm taking my library card on a submarine ride to Tokyo and away from this miserable place.


Also, John Fucking Mayer.  I can't quit you.  And I don't want to.

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

from Purpose Fairy:

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT

 There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. GIVE UP ON BLAME

 Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. GIVE UP YOUR SELF-DEFEATING SELF-TALK

 Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. GIVE UP YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS

about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. GIVE UP COMPLAINING

 Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. GIVE UP THE LUXURY OF CRITICISM

Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO IMPRESS OTHERS

Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. GIVE UP YOUR RESISTANCE TO CHANGE

 Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. GIVE UP LABELS

 Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. GIVE UP ON YOUR FEARS

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. GIVE UP YOUR EXCUSES

Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. GIVE UP THE PAST

I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. GIVE UP ATTACHMENT

This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. GIVE UP LIVING YOUR LIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Someone's Been Reading My Diary

Everyone knows that American Idol is my bitch lover.  Actually, it's the other way around.  I am American Idol's bitch lover, for sure.  Few things make me more angry, and inspire me to spew angry, hateful words at strangers, but god dammit I just can't quit you, Idol.

Well, this year, they've taken a new approach to hook me: the contestants are singing all of my favorite songs.  Literally every single one of them.  Songs that nobody else likes.  Songs that nobody's heard in years.  Songs that have never ever been performed on the show before.  And yet week after week, Ryan announces what song they're singing, and then I have about .2 seconds to absorb this information and freak out, before the performance starts.

Here's just a taste of my favorites.  And let it be said that these are not just songs that I like, these are songs that at one point or another, I have listened to on repeat on a Walkman, or watched over and over again on YouTube.  These songs make me happy, sad, remind me of people, places, and things.

Volcano - Damien Rice
U Got It Bad - Usher
Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
Ready For Love - India. Arie
Eternal Flame - The Bangles

But this week....this week was my undoing.  Phillips Phillips.  Dear God, that irresistible country boy.  He sang We've Got Tonight by Bob Seger.  That song.....I love that song for multiple reasons.  It has long been at the tippy top of my list of songs for someone to dear god please sing on Idol.  And if I can direct you to the following excerpt from this very blog, on March 28th of last year (Happy 25th Birthday Leah!):

So aaaaaaaanyway, while listening to the best hits of the 80s 90s and today on Y94FM yesterday, I heard "Why Don't You Stay" [Ed. Note: Apparently this is not the actual title.  My bad.] by....I think Bob Seger. And god damn if that wouldn't just make a fantastic Idol song. Why, you ask? Let me tell you. Imagine it's the final weeks of Idol, and two contestants, be they secretly pining for one another, or just super close friends after all their backstage bonding in the mansion, sing a duet of "Why Don't You Stay". Sample lyrics: "We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow/ We've got tonight babe, why don't you stay" Reading between the lines: "We've got tonight [This is so great! We're on TV! With JLo! We live in a mansion! Everything is awesome!], who needs tomorrow [Fuck elimination night, WE'RE CELEBRITIES! We're gonna live forever like the kids from Fame!]/ We've got tonight babe, why don't you stay [how about you NOT get voted off, so that we can throw a huge rave in the mansion this weekend?]" Because if I were on Idol, my song choices would be lousy with clever secret messages. Because I would be the greatest Idol contestant of all time. I've worked it out to a science. If only I can find a lovesick mermaid whose beautiful singing voice I can steal.

So....that's not how it played out at all.  Only because I was not there to be the fellow contestant that Phillip is sleeping with behind the producer's backs, but shares an undeniable onstage chemistry. BUT he actually SANG the song, and he KILLED it.  Slayed it.  Like a dragon slayer.  Or a vampire slayer, if you will.  It was really the first song he outright sang on the show, without really Phillip-izing it.  And he was obviously a little nervous about it, because he kept STROKING HIS THIGH continuously throughout the performance.

His performance closed the show and brought the house down.  I had already resigned myself to Phillip going home this week, and rightfully so, because Jessica and Joshua are both AMAZING vocalists.  And in Idol situations like this, I don't even vote, because they are all so good.  But after he did this...I had to vote for Phillip.  And it seems the rest of America felt the same way, and voted him into the finals, sending Joshua home (Which I am super sad about.)

Anyway here it is.  Be still my beating lusting heart:



P.S. - Let it be said now, that if ANYONE sings After All by Cher and Peter Cetera in next week's finals, someone please tell my parents I love them, because I will be dead.

A Day of Small(er) Victories

My first victory was a successful run this morning.  Only round one of C25k, but I felt much more optimistic than I have in the last few weeks.

So I've been feeling frustrated lately, because even though I've lost 25 lbs, I haven't gone down a clothing size, which seems....wrong.  Unfortunately, the body areas that are keeping me in the larger sizes are not shrinking as fast as other areas.  But today I has the brainstorm to try on my bridesmaid's dress from Leah and Lauren's wedding in October, right before I started my fitness adventure.  And it was fitted tight under the bust, possibly too tight, because I have a tendency to overdo it with alterations.

But TODAY it was so big!  Sooooo much extra room at the waist.  And at the boobs too!  And this was with no Spanx on, which I was definitely sporting at the wedding.

After that, on a whim, I decided to try on my "goal" dress I bought in February.  When I was shopping at Label Shopper for Teddi clothes in February (I know, I'm so classy), I found this SUPER adorable dress that I bought because I thought it was so pretty, and such a bargain, and made it my goal to fit in it to wear it to Jeff and Katelyn's wedding in August.  I've tried it on several times since then and it has been nowhere remotely close to zipping, and I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn't make it by August, not even close.

But I was so stoked after I tried on my bridesmaid's dress, that I decided to give my goal dress a try, and....IT ZIPPED!  With no Spanx!  I don't even know how it's possible, because it was so far from zipping every other time I've tried it on.  And it wasn't without some effort this time, but still, IT ZIPPED!  Granted, I have a long way to go before it's actually wearable, but I am just beyond happy.

If my resolve was wavering at all, today totally put me back on track.  I have never in my life worked so hard to accomplish something, of my own accord, and here it is, actually working!  I can't believe it.

Happy Happy Happy.

Friday Five

I'm going to try this approach to blogging, to at least get some sort of post up once a week.  I'm stealing the idea from one of my favorite authors Sarah Dessen, who is great and has a blog of her very own.  Just five random things that may not be enough to make a whole blog post about, but compiled all into one, works just fine.  I already foresee that I am too wordy to make my Friday Five as effective as hers, but I shall try.

1) Guys, I have become obsessed with the BBC show Sherlock.  If you know me at all, you know how easily and EXTREMELY I obsess over things, and I have really jumped into this one head-first.  I've had it in my Netflix queue for awhile, and have been meaning to watch it, and finally got around to it this week. There are only 2 seasons in existence, each only three 88-minute episodes.  Season one is on Netflix, and season 2 is currently showing on PBS.  Anyway, Season One ended with a wicked cliffhanger, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to watch Season 2 episode 1, because it's not on Netflix yet, and it had already aired on PBS, but in the end I found it online and it was the BEST EPISODE YET.  Benedict Cumberbatch, (who, I cannot say it enough, has the greatest name in the history of names) is so so so great as Sherlock.  He's like if Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Shawn Spencer from Psych had an ornery fully-grown British man-child.  AND THEN Dr. Watson is played by Martin Freeman, who's been in a bunch of British things, but MOST IMPORTANTLY was in Love Actually, as the guy who was in all the nude/sex scenes, and fell in love with his co-star while, like, humping and groping her, and then they went on to have an adorable sweet innocent puppy love relationship.  Anyway, he is also great. How about a picture, because everyone loves visual aids:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

2) I have been going through a pretty heavy Prince phase recently.  This may come as a surprise to you, because if you are like everyone else in the world, you do not listen to Prince at all.  I know he had a wildly successful career at one point, but obviously all of his fans have died tragically since then, because I don't know anyone else who likes Prince as much as I do, and I am only a moderate fan.  Anyway, an interesting thing happens when I listen to Prince.  For anyone who's ever seen the movie Heart and Souls, you know how Alfre Woodard's ghost zaps into Robert Downey Jr's body, and he is overtaken by the spirit of an overly sassy black woman and it's all funny ha ha hilarious?  Well, when I am listening to Prince, I feel like tiny little Prince crawls inside of my body, and then is performing the songs through me.  I get...embarrassingly into it.  Especially when I'm singing along in the car.  Especially for two particular lines: "The ride is so smooth, you must be a limousine" in Little Red Corvette, and the last "Ain't no particular sign I'm compatable with" in Kiss.  Those lyrics probably don't mean anything to you, but you should probably listen to the songs and you'll get some idea of how foolish I sound.  Particularly the line from Kiss, because I didn't actually know what the words were until I just looked them up, so it's always been me shrieking "AIN'T NO PAH-TICULAH SAH AHHH AHHH COBAAAAAAA WAWAAAAAAAA" at ear-splitting levels.

3) So I'm still doing the Couch 2 5k program.  have I mentioned that yet?  Well I am.  It is hard.  I am by no means a runner.  But I've developed a surprising amount of resolve somewhere in the last 6 months, so I have no desire to quit yet.  Hopefully it won't kill me, and I will be an awesome runner in time.

4) I'm really enjoying me some American Idol lately.  Though this is by no means my favorite season, or my favorite group of contestants, I really feel this group has the best singers....possibly ever.  Jessica Sanchez, who is only 16, is freakin amazing.  A-MAH-ZING.  I'm pretty much blown away by her every performance.  Joshua Ledet is also amazing.  He sang the shit out of "It's A Man's Man's Man's World" this week.  It was one of those things where, in the middle of the song, I thought we had reached the big climactic part of the song, and it was over, and then OH MY GOD he just kept going and it was amazing.  My personal favorite, however, is Phillip Phillips.  Yes, I know, the name.  But I am outrageously attracted to him.  Basically, Dave Matthews has crawled inside the body of a skinny Georgia boy, much like Alfre Woodard crawled inside RDJ, but it is a WONDERFUL combination.  And he has an uncanny ability to choose all of my favorite songs to perform.  And then for a duet number this week, he and Joshua sang This Love by Maroon 5, and they KNOWINGLY gave Phillip all the dirty parts, and I just....I can't be in the same room with my parents while he's singing about keeping her coming every night...I can't.  I am but a mere human.  Another visual (and...aural?) aid....here's Phillip Phillips performing You Got It Bad by Usher (Usher = a past example of an artist i was obsessed with that NO ONE ELSE liked.)



As an addendum to this, I'd like to point out that there is a point near the end of almost all of Phillip's performances where his eyes roll back his head, and he gets a big grin on his face, and kind of bobs his head around.  You can kind of see it here at 1:40.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure this means he's probably a homicidal lunatic, but I inexplicably find it to be the hottest thing I have ever seen.  Probably because I am super attracted to homicidal lunatics.  Anyway, ?I just want to crawl inside his mouth and live there.

5)  Maybe I'll just make this the Friday Four, because I can't think of a fifth thing, and I talked a lot about other things.  How about a Friday Fun Fact: Whoopi Goldberg has no eyebrows.  Discuss.

MUPPET BABIES!

....and 6 weird things about them.

Guys, HOW could I have forgotten about Skeeter?  All these years!  WHAT HAPPENED TO SKEETER?!